Pesach begins this Monday night. It is the commemoration of Jewish liberation from slavery in ancient Egypt. Some call it the season of freedom; many believe that, with the thawing of winter and transition into spring, it is a time to reevaluate the direction of our lives and have our own personal exodus from those people or experiences that are no longer healthy or beneficial.

For many readers of my column, that means transitioning from marriage to single life; from stability to shaky footing; and from loving your partner to … well … not.

However, just as you may take a page out of the Jewish tradition in this season of rebirth to finally shed those unwanted relationships, you may want to plod a little further on in history to learn another thing or two from traditional populations, and in particular, what may seem like an archaic custom of arranged marriages.

A study conducted by Dr. Robert Epstein, the Harvard-educated senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology, found that feelings of love in arranged marriages tend to gradually increase as time goes on in the relationship, surpassing in intensity at the five-year mark. This is compared to the typical modern-day “love marriage,” where attraction is based on passionate emotions, and a couple’s feelings of affection diminish by as much as 50% after only 18-24 months of marriage. In fact, arranged marriages are twice as strong as “love marriages” after 10 years.

Epstein attributed this almost counter-intuitive (by modern standards) phenomenon to unrealistic media portrayals that present love as an uncontrollable, spur of the moment force. “We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people find their soulmates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after,” Epstein stated in an article in a 2010 edition of Scientific American MIND. “The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates.” Epstein theorizes that this unrealistic concept of marriage causes many “love marriages” to eventually fizzle.

But not all hope is lost. Epstein theorized that relationships are organic. They can be infused at will with positive and loving feelings. This can simply be accomplished by mimicking the concept of the arranged marriage, shedding the fairy-tale notions of riding off happily into the sunset, and developing a more realistic concept of a lasting relationship.

“But what do warm feelings have to do with my divorce?” you may ask. Well, in many situations, you can become lost in a concept of what you think your feelings are supposed to be for your former partner. You can forget all the good times and experiences you once shared together or the deep loving commitment you may have had. This could be the result of the modern portrayal of divorce: a contentious, awful experience that leaves one party downtrodden and the other victorious.

But it does not have to be that way. Epstein said relationships are organic and ever-evolving. Positive feelings can be created and learned. People need not adopt an unrealistic and, frankly, incorrect concept of divorce. I’ve seen it. It is in fact possible for both parties to behave amicably, settle their differences and move on, all while keeping their somewhat positive relationship intact.

So perhaps the lesson from the Jewish season of redemption is to redefine your exodus. Note the positive action required. You need to be the one to shift your paradigm, to redefine your own notions of your divorce and your relationship with your former partner. According to Epstein, you are the key to your own success.

 Eliana T. Baer is a partner in the Family Law Practice Group of Fox Rothschild LLP, representing clients statewide in divorce, asset distribution, support, custody, domestic violence, premarital agreements, and appellate practice. Eliana has been selected to the Best Lawyers in America (2024), JD Supra’s Readers Choice Award for Family Law (2024), Super Lawyers-Rising Stars (2014-2024), New Leaders to the Bar by the New Jersey Law Journal (2018), “Top 10 Under 40” list by the National Academy of Family Law Attorneys (2017), and “Trailblazers” list in Divorce Law (2016)*. Eliana appears in both civil and rabbinical courts. You can reach Eliana at (609) 895-3344 or [email protected].

*Award methodology available at www.foxrothschild.com/eliana-baer/honors-awards.