Mr. and Mrs. H. loved the mitzvah of hachnasas orchim, but lately their 8-year-old daughter Ilana was making it impossible to invite anyone. She was disruptive, perpetually in motion, and constantly demanding things.

At first, Mrs. H. was impressed by Ilana’s awareness of trends, as she would ask for the latest toys, clothes and treats. But school was a disaster. Speech therapy and OT hadn’t helped. Her information processing skills were weak. She craved touch, especially anything sticky—slime and fidget spinners and sensory toys.

Her morah was tolerant and let her keep things at her desk, or would allow her breaks, but she was growing increasingly frustrated. She would move Ilana’s seat to keep her quiet, but one day Ilana refused to move. “Then go to the principal!” the morah ordered.

Ilana flounced out, but was later sent home with a recommendation that she get therapy, which brought her parents to my office. “We were thinking Ilana needs medication,” they said. “But she doesn’t even have a diagnosis.”

“Ilana sounds like a fiery kid,” I said. “That’s hard for her teacher, but powerful kids are world changers! I love these kids, but they have to adapt their energy to the world so that it doesn’t overflow and get them into trouble.

“What we need to do is stop giving energy to her negative behavior, and build success by helping her see herself as responsible, respectful and rule-abiding.”

I explained the Nurtured Heart Approach to them. They were a little skeptical, but they were ready to try anything.

Week Two

Ilana’s parents came in motivated to work. They told me Ilana had a hard time focusing and paying attention.

“Children have an incredible way of turning into the image we have of them,” I said. “If we believe Ilana has no focus, and her teacher escalates the situation, we may be aggravating the problem. Let’s try to find the moments she’s focused, and reinforce them. What does Ilana enjoy doing?”

“She likes art,” Mrs. H. volunteered. “She likes gymnastics, especially practicing cartwheels.”

“Is she focused when she does cartwheels?” I said. “Let’s build on that! You can comment on her concentration as she does them.”

They smiled. I then told them we need to create a vision for Ilana, as well as their other six children, of being kind, responsible and able to focus. “We’ll give her proof of her strength,” I said. “At some point, we’ll try to loop in her teacher to help her succeed in the classroom.”

Week Three

I was thrilled to see that Mr. and Mrs. H. had been implementing NHA methods and were seeing progress.

“I saw Ilana setting the table the other day,” Mr. H. said. “She loves to make it beautiful, so I said, ‘Ilana, I noticed you set the whole table. You took care of every detail and stayed on task until it was done. That was so helpful!’ She smiled from ear to ear, and our Shabbos meal was amazing.”

But school was still a problem. “Her academics are poor, and her social skills are weak,” Mrs. H. said. “She has no friends reaching out for play dates, and her class behavior is still poor. I’m wondering if she needs medication.”

But Mr. H. reset her thinking. “I feel like she’s starting to respond,” he said. “I myself used to be a terror in school. Her teacher yells and threatens because she doesn’t know what else to do, and then things escalate.”

“Let’s make building Ilana our priority,” I said. “We can use NHA to develop her social skills. You can praise her any time you see her doing something positive, like saying, ‘I see you’re being so flexible by playing the game your sister wants to play.’ You can help her plan activities and role-play interacting with other children, reinforcing her every time she’s accommodating and gracious.”

Week Four

The couple came in beaming. “Ilana is responding!” Mrs. H. said. “I heard her using NHA lingo while speaking to her grandmother, and she ‘recognized’ her sister for good behavior. They’re all mimicking us. The other day our 4-year-old was crying about something, and then stopped and announced, ‘I reset myself!’ It was adorable.”

We now spoke about setting limits. Children need rules and structure for their own safety and well-being, and to avoid chaos. For example, kids have to wear helmets to ride a bike, and look both ways before crossing a street. But a rule does not have to lead to fights.

Parents need to set rules for their children and reset them—without negativity—when they go off track. As Rabbi Abraham J. Twersky, z”l once said, “We can do it in a way that doesn’t hurt them.” He related that when he was about 8, his family hosted a chess champion for Rosh Hashanah, who proposed to little Abraham that they play a game.

“I think it’s not allowed on Yom Tov,” the boy said.

“It is!” the guest said, and since he was a grownup, Abraham believed him, and they played together.

That evening, Abraham’s father called him over. “You know, we do not play chess on Rosh Hashanah,” he said with a stern look.

There was a pause, during which Abraham sat contritely on his chair. Then his father smiled. “Did you win?” he said, the pride evident on his face when his son said yes.

I love this story because it illustrates that we can set a limit without being negative. We simply show the child, “Oops! You got off track. No problem, we’ll get right back on.”

As Ilana’s parents left, I could see they were resolved to set limits and clarity, and help Ilana see herself as someone who follows rules. I recommended that they reach out to Ilana’s teacher to share that they are implementing a new approach at home, and ask her to clarify which rules she would like them to help reinforce. School will be our next frontier.

To be continued…

All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality.

Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine.

Yael Walfish, LCSW, empowers parents to help their children navigate their intense emotions and thrive. An experienced therapist, she is also the author of three therapeutic children’s books. Contact Yael at Yaelee@gmail.com or CenterForGreatness.com.