Chol Hamoed trips are an ancient tradition dating back thousands of years to biblical times. Our forefathers had a long Sukkos—40 years actually—but they couldn’t just sit in their sukkahs the whole time, complaining, so they went on trips. Mostly nature hikes. It was hard to come up with anything else to do because they were in the desert. There were no bumper boats.

Also, there were really no rainy days.

Fortunately, nowadays, we have tons of options, which is why, when it comes to Chol Hamoed, we can come up with absolutely nothing. Ideally, you want to go somewhere with a million Jews so you don’t have to come home for Mincha. You can just daven in the food court while goyim pass by and you all pretend to be doing something else, facing the same direction.

You (casually): “We’re watching the sunset.”

Gentile: “The sun is behind you.”

Paddle Boating

Paddle boating, as the name implies, is boating without a paddle. It consists of boats with pedals that are rented out on small lakes that are 1-foot deep but that you still don’t want to fall into because there’s something large and slimy at the bottom.

But it’s great for a day trip if your idea of a relaxing time on the water is pedaling furiously while arguing with the person next to you about who’s doing more of the work. Because paddle boats sound like a lot of fun—it’s like biking on the water!—until you realize that there’s a lot of pedaling and not a lot of coasting. It’s not like there are hills.

Aquariums

An aquarium is like a zoo for fish, except the only thing that separates you from all these denizens of the deep, not to mention slime, is a thin layer of glass that you’re not allowed to touch, just in case.

Thankfully, the other difference is that if an animal escapes from the zoo, you need to run. If an animal escapes from the aquarium, you just have to say, “Oh, there’s the shark!” And step over it. It’s not like the fish are coming up through the toilets.

One highlight of aquariums is that there’s a touch tank, which is kind of like the barnyard section at a petting zoo. But unlike petting zoos, where you get to touch sheep and goats, in a touch tank you get to touch starfish, which you’re not entirely sure are a kind of fish. That might be a lie dreamed up by the aquarium industry. They keep saying that if you cut one leg off a starfish it’ll grow back, even though they never let you try it. But even if it’s true, it kind of sounds like a starfish is a plant.

They also let you touch shells that may or may not have crabs inside them, which is terrifying. I don’t know what it is about a hermit crab that made them say, “Let’s put these in a touch tank.” Was it the fact that it’s called a hermit?

Alpine Slide

An alpine slide is something you can do at a ski resort that doesn’t involve spending hundreds of dollars on ski equipment you don’t know how to use just so you can be more aerodynamic when you plow face first into the side of the gift shop.

The thing about ski resorts is they noticed at some point that business tends to go downhill during the summer. (Oy.) So they looked into it and realized that it might be because there’s no snow.

So they set up a concrete slide that goes down the mountain, but it doesn’t go straight down the mountain, or you’ll be hurtling down at speeds of about 70 billion miles per hour. So they throw in curves, which slow you down by throwing you off the track as soon as you reach, say, 20 billion. They also, baruch Hashem, give you a little cart to sit on, along with a tiny handbrake that is just as terrified as you are. The entire brake is a skinny pole between your legs that feels like it’s going to snap off at any moment.

In fact, in the safety speech that they give you, they say, “Don’t overuse the handbrake, or you’ll wear it out.” Like there’s only a certain amount of uses of the handbrake until it totally stops functioning—statistically in middle of the mountain. And you’re thinking, “The person who uses this cart after me is going to die if I overuse my handbrake. So should I die instead?”

So if you go to these places, you should really check the newspaper the next day.

Factory Tours

In a factory tour they show you how something is made, which usually involves some kind of machine they don’t sell in regular stores, and you’re like, “Well, sure. If I had that machine, I could make it too. No big deal.”

Everyone goes and pretends to be interested in the whole manufacturing process, but the factory knows you’re all there for the free samples. That’s why they don’t give them out until the end.

Sure, you think they think you’re interested. You’re asking questions, taking notes… (“So you’re saying the first machine dumps it onto the second machine? Wow!”) But they know that you did not go on vacation so you can learn stuff.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].