Telling someone what he “should” do rarely helps the person, or relationship. “Shoulds” tend to feel distant and invalidating, despite some people wishing that someone else would constantly provide this type of guidance; after all, having another person make a choice for us can take away some of the pressure of being in charge of a decision. Still, using the language of “should” often doesn’t take into consideration the advisee’s actual experience within the challenge that he or she faces, especially when the experience of that challenge is internal. Allow me to explain.

Telling someone with heartbreak or jealousy that he should “just get over it” or should “remember that there are other fish in the sea” is rarely helpful. You see, it overlooks that person’s authentic, current experience by telling him what he should do as if this hasn’t already been considered. That individual is likely already telling himself, “I need to get over this…” and it is probably being done in a harsh, judgmental manner. “Why does this bother me? It shouldn’t make a difference, I need to stop caring!” People tend to believe that they can bully away their own feelings and may even hear the voice or tone of someone from their life—past or current—who has spoken to them this way or conveyed a similar message.

The idea that we can talk ourselves out of an emotional experience rarely works long term; people may be able to shift a behavior, but we cannot just rid ourselves of our feelings or how our brains function. What we can do, though, is shift our perspective by offering a reframe. We can look at what cognitive distortions may be at play, impacting the way we see or speak to ourselves. For instance, that person telling himself that he will never get over this breakup may be catastrophizing or ignoring important parts, two of the many cognitive distortions that people regularly experience.

But what can we do with all of this information? Recently, I found myself encouraging clients to ask themselves how they might speak to themselves if they did not believe a particular stuck point or negative cognition. I ask them what they might say, not coming from a place of bullying. This often comes up with regard to body image—“What might you tell yourself if you actually accepted your body?” or “what might your experience of getting dressed in the morning look or feel like?” To begin to imagine or to speak to oneself based on an alternative belief is not to try to convince oneself of what he should do. Rather, it is about flexing an alternative muscle that may be kinder, or simply speak to oneself in a more neutral manner.

So, for that person currently grieving the end of a relationship, this may include reminding himself that he has experienced breakups before, or that of all the people he has ever heard of, there aren’t many who report that they never, ever were able to get over a particular heartbreak, or that the pain remained the same forever. He also might, if challenging himself, practice an internal dialogue based on the idea of accepting the situation: what he might say to himself if he was not denying the breakup or stuck in a distortion. This might look like, “This feels extremely painful now, and continuing in this relationship would not have been healthy for me because of all the reasons it ended.” This does not mean he has to believe it now, but this is a very different dialogue than if he remained stuck and tortured in the “why me?” or “this is all my fault” or still bargaining internally.

So, too, for an individual struggling with body image. Standing in front of the mirror and shaming oneself or remaining stuck in the desire for change rarely works. Truly. Imagining getting dressed and being accepting of the reality of one’s reflection might include not changing outfits multiple times, being able to appreciate the outfit, or oneself, or simply that this will not take up much mental energy. I encourage clients to “try on” these attitudes. Not because I’m trying to help people convince themselves in a more gentle way—that’s not the goal. The goal is to find another way of thinking and seeing how it feels to be kinder to ourselves and to notice what life might be like if we experienced more acceptance.

Acceptance does not have to mean we love our situation. Acceptance can mean that we have more mental energy and space for healing, connection and kindness. Just as we cannot change other people but can offer ways to help them grow, we can apply this to ourselves.

So the next time you find yourself using the language of “should” try to pause. Acknowledge this. Ask yourself what you’re working through and what it might be like to speak in a more supportive and accepting manner. Challenge yourself to identify what a given thought might be if you felt differently about the situation. It is not about changing your mind, it is about opening your mind.

Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. Zucker is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.