I recently read an article called, “What Your Sleeping Position Says about You.” Apparently, some researchers in England conducted a sleep study, and they got a lot of volunteers, because they were basically offering to pay people to sleep.

Now at this point you’re probably wondering, “How many sleeping positions are there, anyway? There’s back, front, side… other side… Is someone sleeping standing up?”

But apparently, there’s a whole bunch, and they all have names, like yoga poses. That way you can reference them in conversation.

Fetal

How to do it: Lie on your side, bend your elbows, and raise your knees to your chest. Try to look like one of those sonogram pictures where you can’t tell what’s going on but you say, “Yeah, I see the baby!” so the technician doesn’t think you’re stupid.

People in this position: give off a tough exterior, but are sensitive on the inside. Like a watermelon.

Also: The higher the knees, the more internal comfort they give themselves. If your knees are on your pillow, you’re like one of those watermelons that are 90% rind.

Yearner

How to do it: This is a position in which your legs are pretty much straight, and your arms are extended straight out in front of you, possibly onto your nightstand.

People in this position: are trying to hit snooze without waking their roommates.

Also: Might be having dreams about sleepwalking.

Log

How to do it: I’m not even sure. Supposedly, you lie on your side with all of your limbs straight down, but when I do that, I don’t find myself sleeping peacefully. I find myself putting all of my focus into balancing on my arm and not falling over.

People in this position: like to be part of a crowd. And I can see that. I personally adopt something like this when I have a crowd of kids in my bed that I don’t have the energy to kick out.

Also: This might be where we got the expression, “I slept like a log.” Apparently, it means that you slept on your side, while balancing. And by that logic, the fetal position is where we got the expression, “I slept like a baby.”

Freefall

How to do it: This is the only stomach position listed. Your arms and legs can be any which way, and your head is turned to one side, like you’re falling but you’re getting too much wind in your face, so you have to turn.

People in this position: cannot find the cool side of the pillow. They are free, sociable personality types, but “don’t like criticism.” Everyone else likes criticism.

Also: This position is probably named after the kinds of dreams you have when you’re in it, like that one where you’re falling and all you have is a blanket flapping behind you and two pillows.

Soldier

How to do it: Lie face up with your arms straight down at your side and count the ceiling tiles. If you don’t have ceiling tiles, picture sheep jumping over you, one at a time, until you close your eyes because the view isn’t helping you fall asleep.

People in this position: enjoy snoring, and then denying it.

Also: This position is the best for your back, and is recommended by most doctors who don’t have to share a room with you.

So that was the study. I find it hard to believe that those are all the positions. What about Banana, Headstand, Sniper, Superman, Hamstring Stretch and Chicken Dance?

And none of this takes into account sleeping in shul on Shavuos.

And there’s more than one position for that too:

Extended Tachanun

How to do it: Rest your forearm on the table. Rest your forehead on the arm, facedown, like you’re trying to see if something glows in the dark.

Can be identified by: their bright red forehead, often with an impression of their watch. Also, they can’t feel their hands.

People in this position: tend to enjoy looking at things in depth.

Drifter

How to do it: Sit still and attempt to listen to whatever’s going on around you as your head sinks lower and lower. Then suddenly JERK your head up, look around quizzically, and repeat.

Can be identified by: whiplash collars.

People in this position: have no idea they’re asleep. They’re convinced they caught the whole shiur, but they may have a lot of questions, now that they think about it.

Leaner

How to do it: Tilt your chair back on two legs. For extra balance, hook your feet onto your table or shtender or chavrusa’s legs.

Can be identified by: suddenly waking up and trying to grab anything that will pull them forward before they fall.

People in this position: are working up to learning all of Torah al regel achas.

Strangers on a Plane

How to do it: Put your head on the shoulder of the guy sitting next to you. If you’re listening to a shiur and can’t talk and you’re not sure if this person minds people putting their heads on his shoulder, see if there’s someone on his other shoulder. If there is, it’s probably okay.

Can be identified by: drool.

People in this position: want to make sure that if they’re not staying awake for the shiur, at least someone will. No one has ever fallen asleep with someone’s head on his shoulder.

The Chair-Bed

How to do it: Line up several chairs in the women’s section so you can lie down.

Can be identified by: shoes lined up neatly on the floor. May be using a tablecloth as a blanket.

People in this position: like to be the guy who says Birchas Hashachar for everyone.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].