Dear Mordechai,

Due to some unforeseen enthusiasm from my kids, I’m sleeping in the sukkah this year, apparently. Any advice? Also, there are no alarm clocks out here, and I’m afraid I’m going to overshoot Shacharit.

Everyone eats in their sukkahs, but when it comes to sleeping, we all have excuses. A lot of people are afraid to sleep in the sukkah, but it turns out that with a little bit of preparation and the right supplies and some kind of weapon, anyone can do it! Except for some reason your wife.

But here are some tips that will not only help make your sukkah-sleeping experience rewarding, but you can also sleep with it to help you feel safe.

Don’t sleep on the floor. Adults do not sleep on the floor and then get up to have productive days shaking arba minim without some kind of back spasm. Either drag a mattress out there or sleep on one of those beds that gradually folds on you in the middle of the night. An air mattress is also an option, if you know how to hint to a non-Jew that you need him to refill it at four in the morning.

“My mattress is running out of air.”

“Wait… Are you locked out of your house?”

“No.”

“Sir, are you having marital problems? Because this seems like the worst custody arrangement ever.”

One nice thing about sleeping in the Sukkah is that if it’s dark enough, you can lie on your back and look up at the stars and listen to the crickets snore. If you can’t see the stars, that probably means it’s going to rain. Or that you’re under the table.

The best way to guarantee that it will rain is to sleep in a sukkah. A good way to be more protected from the rain and also be available to leap right up as soon as you notice the rain is to climb into your sleeping bag headfirst. Be aware that this might lead to you running face-first through your patio door.

Being cold in a sukkah is not a problem. If you’re cold, close the storm window. It won’t help, but you’ll feel like you made some hishtadlus.

If you need to keep mosquitoes away, convince the kids to sleep out there with you. Mosquitoes always go for the kids first.

Make it fun for them. Make it into a campout or something. You can sit around and tell spooky stories until you hear noises outside the sukkah, at which point you will all climb into the same sleeping bag upside down.

If your sukkah is such that nocturnal animals can hypothetically come in, make sure to sweep the sukkah thoroughly before the lights go out. And if you didn’t sweep, definitely don’t sleep on the floor. You’re going to wake up with a back full of challah crumbs, and an animal trying to decide whether it’s worth waking you up to get to them.

If you’re nervous about sleeping in a cloth sukkah, you can always tell yourself that the only animals that can fit in it are the ones that fit under the flaps—like raccoons, and skunks, and small goats. Plus any bears that can figure out the zipper.

If you think there’s a large animal outside trying to get in, have everyone lift a corner of the sukkah and then take off down the block.

If you wake up to see a skunk sniffing around you in the dark, don’t panic. Don’t scream, “Skunk!” He already knows he’s a skunk. If you do that, you’re going to have a sukkah full of skunk stink that won’t dissipate until you reopen the storm window. Also, if you’re in an area with a lot of sukkahs, yelling, “Skunk!” will make everyone on the block panic. You will literally see entire sukkahs picking themselves up and running into each other with legs sticking out underneath.

If you want to keep animals away while you’re asleep, the best advice is to snore. The good news is that in every family, Hashem made at least one person who snores. Unfortunately, no one thinks it’s them.

If you live in bear country, don’t grill meat near your sukkah. (“Bear country” is any country with bears in it.) Also don’t store honey in your sukkah. Also, if you live in a region with pandas, your bamboo schach might be a problem. So make sure to trim those trees around your sukkah if you don’t want pandas landing on you from above.

If you’re sleeping in a sukkah on Chol Hamoed, carry a firearm. One shot in the air will scare away most animals, as well as put out a light if you forgot to do so before getting into your sleeping bag.—

Animals hate the smell of mint. Make sure to use mouthwash before bed, and to pour some around your mattress for good measure.

Another way to stay off the floor is to fill your air mattress with helium.

Overall, sleeping in the Sukkah during the day is a lot less stressful, until all the sukkah hoppers come in and see you in your flowery princess bed sheets. With a weapon. Covered in mouthwash.

And as far as waking up, you’ll probably wake up as the sun rises, which is a highly recommended way to wake up. If there’s no sun, that means it will rain, and that will wake you up as well. And if it’s neither, you can always set the alarm clock in your bedroom so it wakes your wife and she dumps water on you from the upstairs window. If nothing else, that will scare away the opossum.

Or get it to freeze in place.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].