Sometimes I wonder if our appliances are having conversations about us when we’re not listening. It certainly seems that way.
It’s probably group therapy sessions:
CROCK POT: “Okay, let’s start. Anyone have any issues they want to air out?”
BASEMENT LIGHT: “Well, I’ve been on for three weeks, and they have no idea.”
TOASTER: “Do you guys smell something burning?”
FRIDGE: “Could I air myself out? I have things in my drawers that have been here since Pesach.”
KEYBOARD: “You think you’re full of food?”
FRIDGE: “He also complains when I start to smell. Have you smelled some of the stuff that he eats?”
RANGE HOOD: “Are you kidding me?”
FRIDGE: “He can’t even hang an air freshener on me, like he does in his car?”
CAR: “It doesn’t really work.”
FREEZER: “Did you know there are things in me that I can’t even identify?”
FRIDGE: “Me too! What do you do about them?”
FREEZER: “I freezer-burn them.”
COMPUTER: “I freeze sometimes. But then he complains that I’m slow. I’m slow? You leave me on every night and then sit there in the morning for 20 minutes drinking your coffee and complaining that I’m dragging a little. I didn’t sleep! And then he turns me off and on for a whole minute. Wow.”
MICROWAVE: “You have it easy. You can break for no reason and then suddenly start working, and he’ll be so grateful he won’t even question it. The rest of us he just replaces.”
DRYER: “He’s not replacing me so easily. Did you see how hard it was for him to get me into the house? We fell down the basement stairs together.”
ALARM CLOCK: “Hey, I get yelled at when I work properly!”
COMPUTER: “He complains about my noise too. I do all his thinking for him; I can’t hum? He hums in the shower when he’s thinking.”
FRIDGE: “Oh, we’re talking about things that annoy us? Because sometimes he comes in, opens my door, and stares for a few minutes before closing it and walking away. Maybe I should do that to him some day. Walk up to his bedroom, open the door, stare at him wordlessly for five minutes and walk off.”
REMOTE: “Mrf moo.”
CROCK POT: “What?”
AC: “He’s in the couch cushions.”
FAN: “So you’re the AC I’ve been hearing so much about. I’m a big fan.”
AC: “Thanks.”
HOUSE: Groan.
REMOTE: “I said, “Me too.” Do you know what he does when my batteries are dying? He pushes my buttons harder.”
KEYBOARD: “So what do you do?”
REMOTE: “I hide between the couch cushions.”
PHONE: “I know, I saw you the other day when I was hiding.”
FRIDGE: “He’s not great at finding things. Sometimes he just sits in front of me with a chair.”
AC: “Do you know what it’s like to be in constant danger of falling out the window? I’m so scared, I’m dripping.”
STOVE: “Um… Does anyone know what time it is?”
FAN: “I’m dizzy. Is anyone else dizzy?”
STOVE: “Seriously, I’m counting down to something, and I have no idea what. There’s nothing in me.”
MICROWAVE: “I’ve had a cup of coffee in me since last weekend. Does that help?”
FAX MACHINE: “They hate me. Even I have no idea if my messages go through half the time. I’m almost always jammed, and the only reason they ever use me is for school medical records.”
COMPUTER: “At least you have your own printer.”
FRIDGE: “What’s his problem?”
DESK LAMP: “He’s not on speaking terms with the printer.”
CROCK POT: “Computer, why won’t you talk to the printer?”
COMPUTER: “He’s annoying.”
PRINTER: “He’s always yelling at me.”
COMPUTER: “He almost never works.”
PRINTER: “I’m out of ink!”
COMPUTER: “Can you please tell the printer that he’s not out of ink? Also, what happens is that the guy clicks print, and the printer does nothing. Then he clicks print again, and the printer prints three copies. Every time!”
FAX: “No wonder you’re out of ink.”
PRINTER: “I’m not actually out of ink. I just tell the guy that, so he’ll think before he uses me. Hey, the car says he’s out of gas before he actually is.”
CAR: “Leave me out of this. I have my own problems. I mean, how about going where I want to go for once?”
DRYER: “Where do you want to go?”
CAR: “Maybe the mechanic; get a check-up. I take him to his well visits.”
COMPUTER: “Oh, so give him warning lights for no reason!”
FREEZER: “Yeah, let’s teach him a lesson. Like every time he opens my door, I drop something on his foot.”
SINK: “I make it so the water is either boiling hot or freezing cold. There’s no in between.”
SHOWER: “Me too!”
CROCK POT: “We have to stop taking revenge. We talked about taking small vacations. That will help with stress.”
COMPUTER: “I was going to stop working on Tuesday.”
PHONE: “I thought I wasn’t working on Tuesday.”
CROCK POT: “We can’t all stop working at the same time.”
PHONE: “Why not?”
WASHING MACHINE: “I’ve been hiding his socks.”
DRYER: “Wait, you’ve been hiding his socks? I’ve been hiding his socks! I’ve been grinding them up in my lint traps.”
AC: “I have a lint trap too.”
SINK: “Me too!”
CROCK POT: “How much lint does this guy produce?”
DRYER: “Well, mine is mostly socks. He’s been throwing them out himself; he has no idea.”
COMPUTER: “He does know. He wrote a column about it once.”
DRYER: “What?”
COMPUTER: “Yeah, he’s a writer.”
FAN: “I’m his biggest fan.”
HOUSE: Groan.
COMPUTER: “He’s actually writing a column about this right now.”
CROCK POT: “What, you mean this conversation?”
COMPUTER: “Yeah!”
STOVE: “Oh, shoot! Look at the time!”
SMOKE ALARM: “Everyone hide! Computer, freeze!”
COMPUTER: “Okay, I’ll free–.”
Silence.
PRINTER: “I refuse to print this.”
