It’s almost January 16, and do you know what day that is? That’s right: It’s National Nothing Day.

Don’t pretend. You did not know that. In fact, you’re probably saying, “I thought every day was National Nothing Day.”

But it’s true. I was looking through an extended list of national holidays—which is what you do when you need a topic and it’s the end of the week—and there it was. You would not believe some of the holidays on this list—there’s at least one for every day of the calendar. For example, I noticed that January 10 was National Peculiar People Day, and that not one person sent me a card. Very nice.

Who decides on these holidays? Because I don’t remember voting for them. Is that what that little box is when you vote, where they ask you some long question that you can’t understand without at least 3 readings? I never read that. My wife always just tells me beforehand, “There’s going to be a question. Make sure to check ‘Yes.’” Usually, by the time I find my candidate’s name, the booth attendant is getting all nervous, like I’m voting for all the candidates or something, and she says, “He’s still in there!” like I can’t hear her, through the shower curtain. (This has actually happened.) So I never read the question. I just push whatever my wife told me to push. Have I been voting for national days?

So what is National Nothing Day? Is it a day for doing nothing? Because we already have that. It’s called National Lazy Day, and it’s on August 13. It’s true. You never hear about it, because no one bothers to promote it. And actually, there’s also a third day for laziness—it’s September 5, which is National Be Late for Something Day.

But if it’s not for doing nothing, then what’s it for?

So I looked into it, because if it turns out there is a nationally sanctioned day to do nothing, I want to know about it. It turns out that National Nothing Day was proposed in 1972 by columnist Harold Pullman Coffin. Basically, Coffin was tired of all these special-interest groups laying claim to every single day of the calendar. Holidays always come with stress—you’re running around, making plans, buying presents, cooking, travelling, getting stuck in holiday traffic, and you have to smile, because it’s National Salad Dressing Day, so what else are you gonna do? And in fact, some of these groups got so greedy they started taking entire weeks. Seriously? Mothers get one day and oatmeal gets a month?

So Coffin decided to create a day where there are no holidays, “to provide Americans with one day when they can just sit without celebrating anything.”

Except when it falls on Martin Luther King Day.

But how do you celebrate? They say that it’s “a day to do what you want, and stay away from your to-do list.”

You mean like Shabbos?

How does this work? How do you celebrate it without celebrating it? Because if you celebrate it, don’t you defeat the purpose? Are we supposed to do nothing, in honor of the Day, or are we supposed to ignore the fact that it’s National Nothing Day and keep doing what we’d otherwise be doing? This is unclear.

Officially, Nothing Day is sponsored by Coffin’s National Nothing Foundation, which is registered in Capitola, California. How much does it cost to sponsor a day where no one does anything?

But it’s not about money. Apparently, “the foundation members would be dedicated to keeping January 16 free of any observations of any kind.” Except that it turns out January 16 is also International Hot and Spicy Food Day.

Good job doing nothing, you guys.

So two holidays on one day? Now what are we supposed to do? If I want to celebrate one, I can’t celebrate the other! And if I want to protest this craziness and not celebrate either one (like you, probably), that’s impossible too. If you specifically don’t eat hot and spicy foods, you’re celebrating Nothing Day. And the only way we know of to specifically not celebrate Nothing Day is to celebrate a different holiday, such as Spicy Food Day.

Look. Jews have a colorful history, and people have always been trying to kill us. When they succeeded, we have a fast day. When they didn’t, we have a holiday. But when you’re not persecuted, your top priority is like, “We should really celebrate spicy food. I can’t believe there’s no holiday for that!”

Case in point, January 23 is Measure Your Feet Day. Why is this in middle of the winter? This is what happens when someone is sitting around, bored, and he looks down and says, “Whoa! I bet those babies have grown at least a millimeter!”

I personally don’t think you need a whole day to measure your feet. This really sounds like something you can do on National Nothing Day, and still be yotzeh doing nothing. (“Whoa! Is the left one bigger than the right one?”) And January 23 isn’t just Measure Your Feet Day, it’s also National Pie Day, though you should probably wash your hands first. (This is not to be confused with National Pi Day, which is 3/14, obviously.)

But speaking of national days, I should mention that January 20 is Inauguration Day. Not that I celebrate that either. I have things that day. It’s also National Cheese Lovers Day, National Camcorder Day and Penguin Awareness Day! So I have to take a video of some penguins eating cheese. I do not remember voting for that.

By Mordechai Schmutter

 Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press and Aish.com, among others. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].