Usually we think of games as ways to spend time with one or two others happily.
Unfortunately, it seems to us that the act of dating in this day and age has become no fun at all. In the more-to-the-right religious world, and in many cases the Modern Orthodox community as well, it has become stressful and challenging. Do you remember the days, as we do, when we attended shabbatonim, parties, kumzitzim with our friends in co-ed situations?
In our youths, it was so normal for a boy and a girl to talk with each other and joke around. Looking around today at most of the country’s Orthodox leaders, both in the rabbinical world and community leadership roles, one can be quite sure that practically anyone over the age of 40 did not have to go through the nonsense that’s required for young people to date today.
There was indeed a time when a resume was solely used for a person to share with a potential employer. In fact, a good number of years ago, our son-in-law Moshe, who is now well known for his role as publisher of The Jewish Link, opened an online business that was called “FixMyResume.com.” There are those today who are still grateful to him for having made “shidduchim” for them with regard to their employers and current positions.
In the dating world today, the word “resume” means only one thing: It is that famous piece of paper provided by shadchanim or parents to potential dating candidates for their children or clients. Anyone who is now in the “parsha” of looking for a mate for their child knows exactly what we are talking about. What exactly is the paper supposed to say? It states the age of the candidate, the schools that she attended and camps in some cases, the shul the parents attend, who the parents are of married siblings, and just as on secular employment resumes, the most important information shared on the paper are the names of references. (However, one would have to be quite dumb to think that the references will not be people that would only have glowing remarks about the candidate.)
There are those who now insist, as well, of a picture of the girl or boy. The first time we saw what such a resume looked like, in all ignorance we asked where the information was about the ongoing chesed that the candidate did from the time she was young. We were told such information was irrelevant. It is not what the parents are looking for.
Boys and girls in the more yeshivish world can walk by each other on the street having grown up together and walk directly by each other because it is no longer proper for them to acknowledge each other’s presence.
Girls are informed while in seminary that getting married is the most important job for them once they return to the States. We have heard stories of young women making sure that their makeup was perfect on their return home from Israel in order to be ready at any time. After all, someone might see them and suggest them to a friend or shadchan. Don’t worry, though; nothing happens quickly in this world because the “checking” takes quite a bit of time.
In some cases, the rejection could be attached to the news that a father learned in the beit midrash at Y.U. That certainly would be a reason to reject someone. As well, the boy might be a perfect match in every way but, oh no, he is learning at YU. For many, the goal is Lakewood.
As soon as a boy is let out of the “freezer,” he is ready to choose his bashert. Each boy has many resumes at his disposal, which in most cases his mommy and daddy have been working through for him. Look around and wonder how many of the boys and girls you know who have recently married have fathers-in-law who are plumbers, electricians and auto mechanics? We are laughing because every time we pay to have our car serviced, our plumbing fixed or an electrical switch needing to be changed, we cringe at the cost of these services. It sounds pretty good to us.
Who is encouraging such ridiculous behaviors? Even some of the rebbeim today are agreeing that the situation has gotten totally out of hand, but no one seems to be able to do anything about it. One of our grandsons told us that a rebbe at the Mir in Yerushalayim gave a shmuess to hundreds of bachurim suggesting that this system is not working. No one seems to be able to do anything to eradicate it.
At weddings, which would seem to us the perfect venue for young men and young women to meet, as they are all dressed up in their simcha finery, they must be separated, and looking across the mechitza is considered a big no-no. Recently, one or two more-to-the-right smachot, with the permission of the rabbanim present, encouraged the parents of the chatan and kallah to have mixed seating for the young unmarrieds. Maybe somewhere in the far-off distance there is a glimmer of hope.
The issue of dating and finding a partner is spread far and wide in every sector of the young Jewish world. How many of us know 30- and 40-year-old lovely young men and women who can’t seem to find their bashert? The Upper West Side, Washington Heights, Flatbush, Yerushalayim all have pockets of active young people living busy lives without being able to find the “right one” to share their lives with. Why? What can we do to help? Are we doing enough?
This week we will be attending a forum on the topic of what parents must do to help the dating process for their children. In our next few articles we will attempt to speak with people in order to hear why this situation has reached such enormous proportions. We think that we as a community must make the effort to help. Interestingly, we have found that many, especially in the “older-singles population,” are reluctant to receive help.
Perhaps we can rally together. When and if we don’t try we will never know.
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
