Loneliness overcomes me when I realize that it is all up to me now. I guess that there are some people that find decision making cut and dried. You can either do something or you can’t. You should do it or you shouldn’t. My beloved Mordechai and I were so in sync with each other that there was no such thing as one of us making a major decision without consulting with the other. We would talk out the pros and cons of what we were considering and feel good about the process that helped reach our final decision.
As I mentioned last week I am now in the market for a new car. The process is driving me crazy. For one thing the difficulty of finding cars in the present market only escalates the worry and concern. Prices have soared. One person says buy, one person says lease, one person says get a used car, another a pre owned (is that not the same?). And all that I can think about is that this situation would be that much easier if only my husband was alive. Together we would forge ahead in deciding what to do.
Heated seats or other extras really seem like a great luxury. It would not have been so had we still been living in Montreal. Nevertheless we never allowed ourselves such extravagances. Do I dare allow myself such a gift? I can hear my beloved saying to me get what you really want. I would respond that I would prefer to spend the money on our children and grandchildren. He was accustomed to my antics. We would walk into a department store and I would head straight for the children’s department to see what was on sale for “our kids.”
The loss of my partner, my best friend, my everything is soaking into my skin this week. I need him to help me decide. I am sure that for many understanding the way that I feel is totally foreign. What a great loss for anyone that has not experienced what I have in a relationship.
I mentioned several times today in our office that I have writer’s block. I was not sure if it was appropriate for me to share the despair that I feel at certain times. When I see senior couples walking together in the supermarket, hearing about plans that they have to go out either alone or with friends, taking a walk together holding hands, forgive me but it is as though a knife is stabbing me through my heart. As much as I can, I implore everyone to make every second count in a relationship. I know that Hashem has plans for all of us but nowhere does it say that we have to agree with them.
I am sure that there are those who regard my uncertainty as petty. Others could say that deciding on a car is not a major big deal. Believe me that it is not the car. It is the powerful reminder of my status in life and it escalates my longing … if only my beloved Mordechai was here with me.
Nina Glick can be reached at [email protected].
