Editor’s note: We are proud of our homegrown author of “Timeless Travels: Tales of Mystery, Intrigue, Humor and Enchantment,” published by Gefen. See purchase info at the end of this article. This Thanksgiving-centric piece does not appear in the book.
It’s that time of year again, when stuffing, cranberry sauce and, of course, the ubiquitous turkey dominate our thoughts and appetites. For those of us in Bergen County, and especially Teaneck, the large, not particularly attractive-looking fowl, however delicious it might taste in its roasted form, is nothing short of public enemy #1. We’re all familiar, over the past few years, with local attacks by wayward, wild turkeys, no respecters of tranquil Shabbat mornings or afternoons. They’ve invaded our backyards, shattered kitchen windows, even audaciously gobbled in our faces as they block both automobile and foot traffic on our streets.
The authorities have jumped into action, purchasing air horns they have made available to town residents at no cost. Whether these devices actually work to dispel gangs of turkeys, massed to attack humans, no one knows for sure. Animal control workers have made efforts to relocate captured birds to more appropriate parts of the state. I am here to report that rather than solving the problem, the turkey war against New Jerseyans has only just begun. Recently, I attended a TBO travel team baseball playoff game in Rockland County north of Teaneck, in the town of Stony Point, to be exact. On my way back following the game, I made a wrong turn and found myself face to beak with a rafter (yes, that’s the correct term) of at least 30 wild turkeys, marching and pecking their way across the grounds of a golf course. They blocked my attempts to turn my car around and it was only with the greatest difficulty that I avoided running them over. It was clear from this encounter that the turkeys were massing for some kind of united action against the sparse population of Stony Point. I made my escape and headed homeward, fully aware that in all likelihood Teaneck could be their next objective.
The following Shabbat, I was sitting in my backyard with my friend from out of town, Abe, enjoying the crisp November day, when our peace was disturbed by the appearance of two adult turkeys who were visiting the bird feeders I maintain for the local avian population. The turkeys stood about 30 feet away from us. I recognized the expression on Abraham’s face, but I was too slow to react:
“Gobble, gobble, gobble,” Abe beckoned, not realizing the danger he was putting us in.
The turkeys stood to attention, and started to march in our direction.
“Abe, stop calling them,” I shouted, too late. The turkeys were upon us in a second and we sprung to our feet and headed in opposite directions. I hadn’t been aware of how fast turkeys can run, nor, for that matter, how fast Abe could run. Luckily for me, both turkeys chased Abe. He apparently eluded them two blocks away and returned to me through a neighbor’s backyard.
“Those birds are crazy,” Abe sighed, finally catching his breath.
“I should have warned you. We’re at war with them.”
I then recounted to Abe about the horde of turkeys I had just seen north of Teaneck.
“They’re massing for a fight against the human population; it’s an existential battle for survival as far as the turkeys are concerned. I read that the US Department of Agriculture estimated 45 million turkeys are consumed every Thanksgiving in this country, and that’s only about one-sixth of the total for the year! I’m not surprised they’re fed up with us!
“But I understand there are two types of turkeys: domesticated and wild. I don’t believe the domesticated ones are rebelling; it must be the wild ones that are confronting humans.”
“You’re right, Abe; it’s the birds that are living in the wild that are starting the insurrection. If they infiltrate the domestic flocks, all hell could break loose and no amount of cranberries will save us.”
“You may not believe this, Abe. We just ran away from those turkeys, but the Boston Globe reported last August that Brookline, Massachusetts, advised their residents not to allow aggressive turkeys to ‘bully you.’” If approached by hostile birds, Brookliners were instructed to, among other things “…shout and wave your arms; squirt them with a hose; allow…your leashed dog to bark at them; and forcefully fend…them off with a broom.”
“My goodness! Is there any possible, peaceful resolution to this problem?” Abraham asked.
“Well, actually there may be one. Do you recall that back in the early days of the United States, Ben Franklin suggested the turkey should be designated our national bird? By the arbitrary decision of the secretary of Congress in 1782, the American bald eagle was selected as the winner; since then the turkey became common fodder for the American palate, rather than a venerated symbol on our currency, flag and seal. If the turkey had been selected instead of the eagle, it’s a fairly safe assumption that Americans wouldn’t be eating millions of our national bird annually. It’s very possible that the turkey attacks are designed to have Americans respond to the plight of the turkeys and right this wrong!”
Upon listening to my suggestion, Abe committed to calling his congressmen after Shabbat with instructions to introduce a bill clipping the eagle’s claws and elevating the turkey to the status it so richly covets.
Until such time as Congress and the president act in unison (that is, until turkeys really fly), it is suggested all Americans remain vigilant against the danger that rebellious turkeys represent. For, at this time in our history, that bird represents not merely the apex of Thanksgiving succulence, but a healthy dollop of truculence as well!
By Joseph Rotenberg
Joseph Rotenberg, a frequent contributor to these pages, is a longtime resident of Teaneck who recently authored a critically acclaimed collection of short stories titled “Timeless Travels: Tales of Mystery, Intrigue, Humor and Enchantment” (Gefen Publishing House 2017). You can purchase it online at amazon.com and in local bookstores in the U.S. and Israel. See www.timelesstravelsbook.com for more information about the book.
