We have all this technology nowadays, and we wonder, “What did they used to do before this stuff was invented?”

They used animals. You wanted an alarm clock, you bought a rooster. You wanted to keep your milk fresh, you bought a cow. You wanted to communicate over long distances, you realized that you don’t know anyone over long distances, because you do most of your travelling by donkey, and there’s only so long you’re willing to sit on a donkey who’s walking three miles an hour because he’s schlepping all your worldly belongings. Why did your wife have to pack so many sheep?

Nowadays, what do we use animals for? We eat them. That’s it. Is that why we’re so fat? And what about the animals we don’t eat? Are they going to stop existing because we have no use for them?

I doubt it. Turns out there are lots of news stories of people using animals in new ways.

For example, a hospital in Chicago recently started using horses as therapy in the children’s ward. They were miniature horses, of course, because it’s a hospital. But this is a relatively new use. I don’t think they used horses for therapy in the old days. Though if you think about it, back then everyone had horses, and no one needed therapy! Though Pharaoh could have used some.

And maybe one day horses will be licensed to offer, say, psychological therapy. You can go lie down on a couch and talk about your problems while a horse sits behind you and doodles on a pad.

“Mr. Schmutter… Dr. ‘Soos’ will see you now.”

(OFFICIAL MOTTO: “I will heal your neshama as well as your goof,

And prescribe you some pills that I crush with my hoof.”)

Also, the city of Paris has hired several sheep to mow the lawns around various landmarks. They cost less than a machine, and you don’t have to feed them, because they eat the grass. Also, sheep are much quieter than a lawn mower. Your neighbor’s not waking you up on Sunday morning with his sheep.

Then there’s the artist in Holland who found a use for a cat, which is good, because not everyone who has a cat has a use for a cat. People might want cats for companionship, but people are for companionship. The cat is just looking to get out.

Anyway, the cat died. So instead of doing what most people do, which is attempt to flush it down the toilet, he did the next logical thing, which is turn it into a remote-controlled helicopter. He stuck in some mechanism, attached a rotor to each of its legs, and now it will be terrifying kids for years to come.

I think we should try this with other animals. It would be great for steering your sheep when they’re mowing lawns.

There are also lots of uses for animals in zoos. For example, one zoo in the Philippines offers a brand new way to relax: massages!

Apparently people are showing up at the zoo all tense. They don’t have time for this. “Why are all these families in the way? You have to look at every animal?! Nothing’s happening in there! Stop rubbernecking!”

So now they’re offering something called “snake massages.” They put four giant pythons on you while you lie there and think about your life choices.

Before you freak out, I should remind you that pythons are not poisonous. They’re just really big and can swallow you in one bite. And there are four of them. And together, they weigh 550 lbs., so you’re not going anywhere.

But it definitely works. When they take the pythons off, you’re more relaxed than when they put the pythons on.

I don’t know who decided that four snakes is the right number. Maybe if they use one snake, he thinks they’re feeding him. But if you have four snakes writhing around, they lose their coordination.

“I’d like to wrap around him. Is this my tail or yours?”

Speaking of zoos, there was a story about a zoo in China, which one day found itself without a lion. They had a lion cage, but the lion was away on business. Or maybe it died. And rather than turning it into a helicopter and terrifying the kids, they decided to get it replaced. So they took a dog, put it in a sheitel, and stuck it in the cage.

Actually, it didn’t even need a sheitel. The dog was a Tibetan Mastiff, which already kind of has a mane like a lion, so who’s gonna know? Besides for kids, who are experts in zoology.

So the dog was sitting in the lion enclosure, pondering its life choices, and suddenly kids started showing up. And he was happy to see them, so he barked.

And the kids are like, “Look! Lions bark!”

You think the zoo that you go to doesn’t do this? What are the chances that every time you go, half the animals are sleeping inside logs at the back of the cage? You think there are animals back there? You’ve been to that zoo 5,000 times, and you have not once seen the fox. It escaped, obviously. Foxes are smart. These animals can’t hang out in zoos all day. They have things to do.

By Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press and Aish.com, among others. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].