Every year, in honor of Presidents’ Day, I write a list of fun facts about one of our nation’s presidents, going in order, because in general, the only non-living presidents of whom people know their contributions to American culture are Washington, Lincoln, and that time that Taft got stuck in his bathtub.
This year, we’re up to our nation’s fifth president: James Monroe.—Monroe was the last of the Founding Fathers to be president, unless you count Joe Biden.
One fun fact I read said, “Monroe was the last president who was never photographed in his lifetime.” So how much was he photographed after his lifetime?—Unlike the previous four presidents, I have been unable to find any fun facts linking Monroe to Yidden. Searching “Monroe Jews” has yielded zero results.—“James Monroe” sounds like a secular name that a Chasid would make up for work.—James was born in Virginia and was one of five children. His father’s name was Spence, which sounds more like a cologne, and his mother’s name was Elizabeth, which, by British law, was the name of basically all women of the time.—He also had a sister named Elizabeth.—Monroe dropped out of college to fight in the Revolution, where he was quickly promoted to lieutenant because, quote, “He knew how to read.”—In fact, James served under George Washington and fought in the famous Battle of Trenton, which is the one where George Washington crossed the Delaware in middle of the night and surprised the British. James didn’t do much damage in that battle, unless you count getting shot. This is the kind of thing that happens when your big skill in the army is that you can read.—In fact, James appears in the famous painting called “Washington Crossing the Delaware with 12 People in a Rowboat.” He’s the guy standing directly behind George Washington and holding the flag.
“Aren’t you going to help row?” everyone else asked him.
“Then who’s going to hold the flag?” he asked.
This was before he was shot.—After the war, Monroe joined the Continental Congress, which at that point was called the Confederation Congress and kept switching locations every year to keep too many people from coming to the meetings. When the Congress was in New York, he met his wife, whose name was Elizabeth.—James and Elizabeth went on to have two daughters, both named Elizabeth.—OK, actually, his younger daughter’s name was Maria, but she had a daughter named Elizabeth. Eventually.—In 1811, President Madison asked Monroe to become his Secretary of State, which is the third highest office in the country, after First Lady.—In August of 1814, during the War of 1812, Madison tapped Monroe to be his Secretary of War as well, replacing John Armstrong, who was not doing as good a job running the war as his name had advertised. For example, he’d let the British burn down the White House, which was a fireable offense.—In 1816, Monroe ran for president under the slogan “Let’s only elect presidents named James M., so we don’t have to change the initials on everything in the White House.” Actually, that couldn’t have been his slogan, because at the time, the White House was still being rebuilt. Madison had spent the latter years of his presidency living out of a cardboard box.—Monroe won a landslide victory, receiving 68% of the vote against Federalist Rufus King. Because #1, no one at the time was going to vote for a president named King, and #2, Rufus is clearly a dog’s name.—Early in his presidency, Monroe went on a goodwill tour throughout the country, which made him even more popular, even though the main reason he did it, if I’d had to guess, was that the White House was still being rebuilt, and the box was starting to smell.
Especially ever since he’d dropped that bottle of Spence.—One thing that stressed people out, though, was the debate over Missouri. Missouri was applying for statehood, but no one could agree on whether it should be a slave state or not. The South said it should; the North said it shouldn’t. The slaves also said not, but they didn’t get a vote.—The thing was that at the time, there were exactly the same number of slave states as free states, and whichever way this state went would get a majority in the Senate. So Monroe, being a parent, came up with a compromise: He split Massachusetts into two states, the second of which he called Maine. That way, Missouri would be a slave state, and Maine would not, particularly because nobody lived there.—Monroe also bought Florida from Spain, which was largely regarded as a mistake. —He instantly regretted it. “Is this whole thing just swamps?” he asked. “Is it always so hot down here? Uch, everything is sticking! Why do I hear guns? Is that an alligator?”—Spain also threw in Florida, New York, which is a small town outside Monroe.
For Monroe’s second term, he ran unopposed, making him the only president to ever do so besides Washington. He received 81% of the vote.—Wait, what?—OK, so apparently he didn’t get every electoral vote. Three of the electors died before casting their votes, and one guy (New Hampshire Governor William Plumer) got ahead of himself and voted for John Quincy Adams, who wasn’t even aware that he was running.—Monroe was also famous for the Monroe Doctrine, which is hands down the most famous Doctrine. This was a statement that told the European countries that they were not allowed to colonize America anymore, because enough was enough. It’s getting annoying already. In exchange, Monroe promised not to colonize any parts of Europe, or ship over any of our newfound alligators, which is where we stand today.—Monroe was the fourth president to die, and the third to die on July 4th. Probably in some kind of barbecuing accident.—The coroner never found the tongs.—He was buried in KJ.—Then, about 25 years later, his body was moved to Virginia.—One can only assume that’s when he was photographed.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
