In next week’s parsha of V’eschanan, we read that there is a biblical prohibition against intermarriage. “You shall not intermarry with them, you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son” (Devarim 7:3.) The rabbis agreed that this prohibition was not only for the time of the conquest of Israel but for all times. The Rambam and the Ramban teach us that the punishment for intermarriage is karet, being cut off. karet in its simplistic meaning refers to an individual being expelled from the Nation of Israel. In the Talmud (Sanhedrin 64b), karet means not necessarily physical “cutting off” of life, premature death, but can also mean the extinction of the soul and denial of a share in the world to come. As such, we see that intermarriage is considered a serious transgression and a violation of the Torah way of life.
However, a recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center in 2021 found that among American Jews who have married since 2010, 61% have intermarried. Interestingly, intermarriage is extremely rare among Orthodox Jews, with 98% of Orthodox Jews who are married stating that their spouse is Jewish. If we exclude the Orthodox and focus solely on non-Orthodox Jews who have married since 2010, the intermarriage rate rises to 72%. Moreover, this statistic does not account for the number of couples living as partners without formal marriage. So, what are we to make of this modern phenomenon and its potential threat to the survival of the Jewish people in America?
The Torah provides historical examples of intermarriage leading to the loss of one’s progeny within the Jewish nation. One such example is that of Samson, or Shimshon Hagibor, as described in the book of Judges (14-16). Shimshon, driven by lust, ended up intermarrying with three Philistine women consecutively, including the infamous Delilah, who betrayed him to the Philistines due to her loyalty to her people. The Gemara (Sotah 8b) commented that because Shimshon lusted after these women with his eyes, he was subsequently punished by the Philistines blinding him.
Another example can be found in the case of Moshe Rabbeinu, Moses, who did not see his leadership skills passed on to his sons or grandsons. We learn from the book of Judges (18:30) that his grandson, Jonathan, son of Gershom, strayed from the faith and became an idolatrous priest. Additionally, Moshe’s siblings, Aaron and Miriam, criticized him for marrying a non-Jewish Cushite woman (Bamidbar 12:1).
Zimri, the prince of the tribe of Shimon, engaged in an illicit relationship with Cozbi, a Midianite princess, and was put to death by Pinchus (Bamidbar 25:13.) Twenty four thousand Israelites were decimated in a plague after they engaged in illicit sexual relationships with non-Jewish Moabite women (Bamidbar 25:9.)
Rebbetzin Esther Jungries, z”l, once referred to the scourge of intermarriage and children “going off the derech” as something that was alluded to in the Torah. When we read, “there was not a house that had not experienced a death” (Shmot 12:30) it would also refer to a future time when all Jewish families would unfortunately know of someone who experienced a spiritual death by abandoning the faith. She devoted her career to bringing back these children by trying to be extra loving, appealing to their emotional roots.
There are times when, despite being given a proper yeshiva education and being brought up in a supportive household, children will still go “off the derech” and will choose to intermarry. One can only speculate why this is so. All that might be left for a parent to do is support their children, but not their choices, and pray to Hashem who is running the world as it is meant to be.
Fortunately, not all hope is lost. Children do return to the fold. The book of Chronicles (1 Chron. 23:16, 24:20) refers to Gershom’s son not as Jonathan but as Shevual or Shuva-El, which the rabbis translated as “one who returned to God.” In other words, Jonathan eventually repented of his idolatry and became a faithful Jew again. Regardless of how far a child may have drifted, there is always a chance that they will come back in due time.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks instills hope that families will one day be reunited. When our children follow in our footsteps, we should be grateful. When they surpass us, we should give special thanks to God. And when they choose a different path, we must be patient, knowing that even the greatest Jew of all time had a similar experience with one of his grandchildren. We must never lose hope. Moshe’s grandson returned, and in the words of the prophet Malachi, “God will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers” (Malachi 3:24). The estranged will be reunited in faith and love.
As parents, we must strive to set a good example for our children by demonstrating our deep appreciation for our Torah way of life. Providing them with a solid Jewish education gives them a fighting chance to remain committed to our faith and traditions. Presenting Jewish mitzvot and practices as positive and fulfilling experiences, rather than burdensome or onerous obligations, can help strengthen their connection to Judaism. Through these efforts, may we merit that our children stay “on the derech” and find suitable shidduchim, matches, within our faith.
Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg is a forensic, clinical psychologist and a member of the American Psychology-Law Society. He is the coordinator of Bikur Cholim/Chesed at Congregation Torah Ohr in Boca Raton, Florida. He can be reached at [email protected].
