I don’t want you to consider me an old fussbudget, but I’ve really got to get something off my chest. I know most of us don’t welcome change, especially as it pertains to time-worn customs. Yet there is one ritual that needs reforming in my opinion as soon as possible. I refer to the practice of the communal Kiddush after services on Shabbat morning. In earlier times almost every simcha celebrated by a congregant was marked by a repast consisting of beverages (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) on which a blessing would be made appropriate to the occasion, followed by herring, crackers, potato kugel and chulent. Usually, depending on the wealth of the community, plastic or silver utensils in insufficient numbers were strewn over the tables on which the food was located. At the sound of the rabbi completing the Kiddush prayer for the crowd, a mad dash would be made to those tables. If one managed to snare a fork, you would guard it carefully; late-arriving fellow congregants would be casting their eyes over the room for any loose forks and they would separate you from the one you were carrying in a flash if you weren’t vigilant.
The food was generally delicious, having been cooking through the night to reach perfection by the time the services ended. In some small Manhattan synagogues (shtiebelach, in Yiddish), located as they were in brownstone homes, the prayer sanctuary was located on the ground floor or lower, while the rabbi and his family lived on the upper floors. A dumbwaiter system was used to transport the food from the upstairs kitchen where it had been prepared to the sanctuary where it was to be eaten. All in all, the system worked very well and if you held on to your fork or spoon, you seldom went hungry.
As the years have passed, to a great extent the Kiddush has remained fairly uniform, with some notable changes. First, cakes, cookies and potato chips have been added to the menu as well as more traditional barbeque items. Mini hot dogs and chicken nuggets to name but two have become popular (about which more later). Along with newer, more diverse menus, we have seen a disturbing practice recently of not hosting a Kiddush on a celebratory occasion or, even more upsetting if you’re not invited, hosting a Kiddush after services only for a select few friends. Now, of course, often the reason for not inviting everyone who attended services or for not hosting one at all is based solely on the expense of doing so. This is understandable and has led to synagogues creating a reasonably priced alternative to permit almost everyone to host at least a baseline Kiddush on their special day. The Kiddush adds to a sense of community and camaraderie and is therefore in no immediate danger of disappearing entirely.
Now that you understand the basic structure of Kiddush practice, I would like to list my grievances towards what I call modern Kiddush etiquette or, better, the complete lack thereof. A series of recommended commandments are in order to best improve comportment:
1. Thou shalt not grab a fork or spoon out of the hands of anyone you are not related to.
2. Thou shalt assist anyone in need of a plate or utensil to obtain such assuming you are standing closer to said objects.
3. Thou shalt not unreasonably block access to any food station after you have filled your plate. Speedily retreat!
4. Thou shalt not converse with anyone while standing within two feet of a food tray except to say “excuse me” or “thank you.”
5. Thou shalt congratulate those individuals sponsoring the Kiddush.
6. MHD rule: Thou shalt not place more than three mini hot dogs at one time onto your plate without withdrawing at least three feet from said station and shall not come back for seconds until you have swallowed them. (This MHD rule is of utmost importance. Under current standards, children as young as 5 years old have been observed filling their plates with as many as 10 hot dogs at one time, representing almost a quarter of the hot dogs available. Not only does that block other people from getting to the front of the hot dog line, but leads to one’s arriving often to discover that there are no more hot dogs left! It’s about time parents taught their children the importance of sharing with others, rather than permitting their offspring to hoard while others go without.
With regard to the MHD rule, I have heard from critics that we should be thankful that these children grab more than their fair share of these nitrite-filled pellets and deep-fried chicken morsels, because these foods are unhealthy to begin with. We, of a certain age, should be glad, the argument goes, that these items are gone by the time we pack our talaitim and put away our prayer books. If you accept this argument, you ignore the deleterious effects these foods have on young, growing bodies. So limiting intake as provided by the MHD rule seems the sounder way to deal with the problem. I should also point out that quite often, these little fressers serve the function that catfish do in an aquarium tank: having eyes bigger than their little tummies, and having already stuffed themselves with other comestibles, they wobble away from the hot dog and chicken nugget stations on unsteady feet, dropping many of these items that they have excessively filled their plates with. Proof of this truth: How often have you nearly slipped or skated over the shul atrium floor on a mini hot dog or two that fell to the ground in the midst of a Kiddush melee?
L’chaim!
By Joseph Rotenberg
Joseph Rotenberg, a frequent contributor to The Jewish Link, has resided in Teaneck for more than 40 years with his wife, Barbara. His first collection of short stories and essays entitled “Timeless Travels: Tales of Mystery, Intrigue, Humor and Enchantment” will be published by Gefen later this year.
