Tisha B’Av is often described as “The Jewish Day of Mourning.” I could never really relate to Tisha B’Av as a day of mourning. As a teenager and young adult I would go to shul, listen to Eicha on the floor, and watch sad movies during the day. Once I had children, we decided to make it a day of giving back to first responders. We would make posters for TVAC, the Teaneck Police Department and the Teaneck Fire Department and bring them baked goods to thank them for their service. However as a parent, I’m unable to commemorate Tisha B’Av in the same way as when I was younger, but that’s ok. I thank God every day for my wonderful family and three special children.
If you know me well enough, read my articles, or even just follow me on social media, you would know that on January 31, 2023 my entire world was flipped upside down. My best friend since sixth grade, Tova Feldstein, suddenly and tragically passed away. A few weeks later, when I was looking ahead on the calendar, I noticed that Tova’s birthday on the English calendar coincided with Tisha B’Av this year. For the first time in my life, Tisha B’Av is personal.
There are no such things as coincidences in life, and I believe that Tova’s English birthday falling out on Tisha B’Av this year is a sign that I need to take that day to truly mourn her loss. Even as Tisha B’Av quickly approaches I’m not 100% sure what that means, but I will definitely be commemorating the day differently than I have in the past.
On July 27, 2023, Tova would have turned 36, double chai. She truly lived her life to the fullest. She was always up for a new and different adventure. She took every opportunity to seize each day and capture every beautiful moment on camera.
We were texting the night she passed away, just seven hours beforehand, about going to some new and fun place in Brooklyn where you can throw paint balloons at each other, and trying to coordinate a date to do that together. In her last text to me she wrote, “Okey dokey.” That was her response to me, writing that I had to find a date to be able to coordinate with her, and that I would get back to her when I was able to figure it out. We always figured everything out even at the very last minute. Unfortunately, this last adventure was never fully figured out, nor did it take place.
One thing I’ve learned is that you need to give yourself time to mourn, whether it be a loss of a friend or loved one, a job, or something else personal in one’s life. The fact that the number 36 is double chai to me means these losses make us appreciate life and what we have, and that it’s OK to resume life’s activities even after a terrible loss.
On my social media each Tuesday I post a picture of myself and Tova and the backstory behind it with the hashtag #tovatuesdays. For now that’s been a big source of comfort for me. It’s up to each individual to keep their memories alive in the way that works best for them.
Tisha B’Av teaches us the lesson that it takes a while after a loss to adjust to a “new normal.” At night we are stricter with our minhagim of mourning; at chatzot we are able to sit on chairs and resume work if necessary; at the conclusion of Tisha B’Av we are able to eat. Yet it is not until chatzot of the following day that we are able to eat meat, do laundry, or for men to shave.
The grieving process is not short or easy, but I think Judaism gives us a pretty good guidebook of how to get through it. This Tisha B’Av I will have a real sense of mourning and it will really hit home. I just hope that it ends with the coming of Moshiach along with techiyat hameitim.
Shelli Sussman is the founder of RinaLi Mental Health, a comprehensive worksheet of mental health providers recommended by others in the community that can be viewed anonymously. Most of the providers are in network with insurance. For access to the spreadsheets and updates, follow RinaLi Mental Health on Facebook or Instagram, or email [email protected]
