June 23, 2024
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June 23, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

Where’s the Wedding?!

So you’re getting married this month! Mazel tov!

Unfortunately, everyone’s getting married this month, baruch Hashem, except for the people who are already married, and all the halls are booked. So you have to get creative.

Fortunately, I’ve come across a lot of stories of people getting married in very unusual venues, and there’s no reason that you can’t as well, except for the reasons we might point out. But you can if you’re really determined, you’re willing to make some compromises, and you find out that these might be cheaper than booking a hall. Whichever venue you choose, make sure to ask your LOR whether there are any issues, making it clear that if he says there aren’t, you’re going to ask him to come along and officiate.

Supermarket—You could do it in the flower section. Plus you can get married by the mashgiach, and there’s already food there. Though it might be hard for your guests to tell which foods are for the wedding and which just belong to the store. Especially in the produce aisle.

One couple who did this was the Aronsons, who got married in a Whole Foods in North Carolina in February. “We got really kind words from shoppers walking around,” the kallah told reporters. “Someone said they hope our refrigerator is always full.”

And after, the chasunah, the chosson and kallah can go around buying staples for their home.

“Do you remember if we have flour?” “No, we don’t have anything.”

Home Depot—This is also very convenient, because they have a lot of what you need. You can build your own chuppah! You also have a choice of which section to get married in—garden, lighting, plumbing supplies … The downside is that every speech will be about building a bayis ne’eman.

One Home Depot wedding I read about happened a couple of years ago, between a woman who worked in plumbing supplies and a man who worked in the lumber department. They chose to have their wedding in the garden section, attended by all the employees as well as several customers looking for someone to answer questions.

“Oh, that’s where everyone is.”

Library—This would have to be a very quiet wedding, so you get to save on a band. And on mechitzos. This is a good venue if you want to set a precedent for a quiet marriage filled with a lot of reading and a slight musty smell.

But overall, this is a great idea. In fact, if you love to learn, why not get married in a seforim store? Then you don’t have to give out benchers.

Maid of the Mist—This is a nice destination wedding, if you’re interested in intentionally simulating rain. Everyone’s sheitels are going to get ruined. But at least they’ll all be matching for the pictures, thanks to those raincoats.

Death Valley—Hey, you’re already in a kittel.

The Top of Mount Everest—If you’re not into Death Valley, why not go for the polar opposite? A couple of mountain guides did this in 2005, but they only had enough oxygen for a 10-minute ceremony, not that anyone was complaining. Other couples attempted the feat, but in all cases either the chosson or kallah was not able to make the climb. In their chasunah clothes. Or they got up there all out of breath.

“That was some aisle. I think I lost my candle back there.” “What happened to the rabbi?”

Mid-flight—This is how you have to do it if you don’t want anyone to leave before bentching. The aisle’s kind of thin, though. Your parents have to walk you down sideways. And this is all assuming that the airline lets you bring candles on a flight.

What location do you even write on the kesubah? Shomayim?

The seudah will be six pretzels and a tiny meal in shrink wrap, and dancing will be a train dance that goes nowhere.

“We’re at the end of the plane. Everyone back up!”

And then you have all the guests at your destination when the wedding is over.

“Where do we go now?”

“Not our problem. Call your babysitter.”

Roller coaster—I’ve heard of several instances of people doing this—going screaming down the aisle—as marriage is pretty much like a roller coaster anyway: It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and occasionally vomit.

The downside is that there’s a limited number of guests who can even fit onto the roller coaster, especially once you factor in the people who are definitely going to be there, like the mesader kiddushin and the grandmother of the kallah. And it’s hard to hear the ceremony if people keep screaming.

“Would you all be quiet back there? I’m going to turn this roller coaster around and we are not going to have a wedding.” “Awwww.” “You too, Bubby.”

Also, you might have to go around seven times before you can even start. But on the bright side, you’ll probably save money on the meal, because no one’s going to eat.

If this is the venue that you choose, though, there are some complications that you’d have to work out. For example, it might be hard to bring a chuppah along. And when everyone puts their hands up, you’ll probably lose the flowers. You might also lose your hat, and every single sheitel. And the wine situation is going to be very awkward, especially if the roller coaster goes upside down. You’d also have to find a very nimble photographer. Otherwise you’d just be stuck with that one picture that the park tries to sell you at the end, of everyone about to go down the big drop.

“That’s how much the picture costs? I’d rather pay insurance on a photographer!”

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published seven books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].

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