Welcome back to “How Should I Know?”—the sometimes parenting-advice column that puts the “aren’t” in “paren’t.” Also, apparently, the apostrophe.

Dear Mordechai,

Two of our sons have parent-teacher conferences on the same night. In opposite directions. What should we do?

S.H.A.

Dear S.,

That’s a great question. You know, you thought it was such a great idea to have them in two different schools—teaching each kid on his own derech and all. But the problem is that they share one set of parents.

My wife and I have this problem, actually.

You can’t even complain to one school that your other school called the date first. We tried. They’re not very sympathetic about that.

Basically, you want to choose whichever kid you like the most, or see the most potential in.

Sure, technically you can just call the teachers on the phone. But PTA is a minhag handed down from our ancestors from before the days of phones, when parents would schlep to PTA for three weeks in each direction so that when they got there, the teacher would go, “Oh, I don’t know who your son is.”

Also, you need to meet the teachers, so that when your child tells you stories, you can have a picture in your head, other than the surprisingly close picture you’ve had in your head after listening to his voice on the phone. (“I was right about the weight, but I didn’t expect the facial hair situation.”)

Also, each kid has like five teachers. PTA allows us to take care of it in one fell swoop. Can I just call all the teachers at once, since they’re in the same room—maybe put them on a conference call?

Wait, is that why it’s called that?

So my wife and I are splitting up. For this.

The problem with that is that I’m useless at PTA. I’m too non-confrontational. I basically just sit there and nod.

It’s even worse when I do PTA as a teacher.

Yes, I’m an involved parent. But this is immediately after a whole day of teaching, so I don’t have the headspace for it, and what they’re telling me is nothing I don’t already know from the fact that I talk to my kids and I’ve seen the report cards, and the teacher has called me a few times by this point, and we’ve had real conversations. Not two minutes with a whole line of people right behind me trying not to eavesdrop. Basically, the only reason I’m there is to show that I care enough to show up. If I don’t show up, the teachers aren’t going to say, “I guess the reason he isn’t here is that he has other conferences elsewhere at the same time. For a kid in whom he sees more potential.”

And we’re lucky;we have only two conferences, albeit in two different states. If you have three conferences, you have to send an older sibling. Or the kid himself.

“Okay, tell your parents that when I’m talking, their son keeps dancing ar… Stop dancing around!”

Personally, I’m davening for a snow day. Now I know how my kids feel. It’s been years since I’ve davened for a snow day.

But what if there’s only one parent available? Or what if you don’t want to send the kid himself?

Well, here’s the thing: You don’t actually have to show up. Let someone else show up pretending to be you. The teacher doesn’t have to know. Unless you’re going to have another kid in his class later down the line. Then you have to remember who you brought in the last time. But you won’t have this teacher again because chanoch lanaar.

And in fact, whoever you bring in doesn’t have to lie straight out. They can phrase things around it. Like maybe call a relative with the same last name as you, like your husband’s brother. They can say, “We’re Mr. and Mrs. A., and we’re here to talk about Shimmy.” There. And you owe them one for their kid. Plus it happens to be that PTA is considerably less stressful when you’re not talking about your own child. Especially if it’s your brother’s child.

“Your child is a handful.”

“Ha! Oh, sorry.”

In fact, there can be a service where you hire someone to go to PTA for you, so you don’t have to deal.

And by “someone,” I don’t mean me. I’m just going to nod.

Have a question for “How Should I Know?” It should be pretty easy to find me. I’m apparently in two places at once.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].