Alright, I admit the title and picture are misleading. This article is really about both husbands and wives (as well as anyone thinking of getting married), but I wanted something catchy to get your attention. Now that you’re completely enthralled…
One of the greatest things about marriage is that you have someone to go through life with, someone to share all the ups and downs with. Healthy marriages develop out of a mutual commitment to grow together, to share our lives with one another. But, if we’re not careful, marriage can consume our life and, in the process, we can lose our sense of self.
Psychologists have long observed that good emotional health derives from having a full life. What this means is that if you want to feel happy and fulfilled, develop multiple areas of your life. For example, don’t throw all your energy and effort into your career. Don’t dedicate yourself exclusively to your role as a mother or father. Obviously, these roles are valuable and important. Raising well-adjusted children is one of the most meaningful things a person can do, and you certainly can feel greatly accomplished and happy when successful in any role. But, putting all your eggs into one basket increases your chances of emotional unhealth (I’ve decided “unhealth” should be a word).
What happens if your career hits a snag? What do you do when parenting goes through a particularly stressful, rough patch (like, say all of the teenage years)? When we define ourselves too narrowly by only one or two roles, we invest most of our emotional self in those roles. When we encounter difficulty, the impact on us is so much greater if we don’t have other areas in our life to turn to for comfort, fulfillment and contentment.
For my money-management readers, it’s like investing money: the key to successful investing is to diversify your portfolio. For my cooks out there, it’s like creating a menu for your Shabbat lunch guests: The key to having happy guests is to make more than one side dish in case it turns out your dear aunt Marge is terribly allergic to fried chicken livers marinated in pickle brine (what, that doesn’t sound appetizing to you?).
Right about now, you may be wondering, “What does all this have to do with the price of tea in China?” Well, aside from investing in Chinese tea or making side dishes with it, my point is that it’s important for husbands and wives to develop areas of their lives outside of the marriage, such as getting together with friends or having a hobby.
It’s all too easy to lose ourselves in the mundane realities of family life and neglect ourselves in the process! Perhaps we feel guilty focusing on “me” time every now and then because it means not spending that time with our children or our spouse. Maybe we feel a little resentful toward our husband for meeting up with his friends for a few hours to watch a football game, or toward our wife for getting together with her girlfriends for a ladies’ night out.
The truth, though, is that we don’t stop being individuals just because we utter those two…er…17 magical, romantic words (“Behold, you are betrothed unto me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel”). While a marriage rightly should take priority over any individual aspirations and desires, feeling individually fulfilled and content is also very important.
Of course, I’m not at all suggesting we build a whole other life for ourselves outside our marriage. If we’re spending more time away from our spouse than with them, this might be a sign that something is unhealthy. On the other hand, some people’s concept of marriage is that spouses always do everything together, which means they might feel betrayed or neglected if their spouse wants to do something without them (like go fishing or hiking).
Creating some “me” time can even be done right in the comfort of one’s own home. For example, some husbands carve out alone time by retreating to their “man cave.” For those who can afford it, guys will sometimes lay claim to a room in the house that is theirs alone in which they can watch TV, build model trains or just ponder the meaning of life far removed from the stress of family life. My wife and I have a modest house, which means I don’t even have a man corner. But, thankfully, she’s very understanding and unties the leash periodically so I can see a movie with my guy friends.
While women may not have a “woman cave” per se, they may have their own hallowed ground that is their refuge in the home. Perhaps they’ve set up a home office that they like to retreat to every now and then as the sounds of shrieking children gently fade into the distance. My wife loves to cook and the kitchen is her domain (she won’t even allow me to wash dishes…honest, I’ve tried!).
Whether our personal time is spent in the home, on a basketball court, at a yoga class (on a boat in a moat, or with a mouse in a house), the important thing is that we acknowledge to ourselves and to our spouse that it’s good to set aside some “me” time every now and then. So, on that note, I think I’m going to go lay claim to my daughters’ closet. They never use it and, while it may not sound terribly masculine, a “man closet” is better than nothing!
By Shoval Gur-Aryeh, PhD
Dr. Gur-Aryeh is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Saddle Brook, NJ. He works with a wide variety of clients seeking mental-health treatment and specializes in mood disorders and addiction in particular. If you would like to contact him, you can do so at [email protected], at 201-406-9710 or through his website at www.shovalguraryehphd.com.
