The following is a list of thoughts that went through my head on the way to and from my brother’s wedding. He had the chutzpah to get married in Toronto, just because, “That’s where my kallah lives.” Ugh. Other people’s shalom bayis compromises are so inconvenient. I guess it’s our fault, really. Every speaker at the aufruf said, “Give in to your kallah, she’s always right.” We barely even know her! What if she’s not always right!

I think I need another Big Gulp.

Okay, so it’s an 8-9 hour trip, and my back doctor generally recommends that I get up and walk around every half hour. How do I type that into the GPS?

Yes, kids, that sign means, “No talking in the car.”

We’ve finally found that perfect air-conditioning temperature where I’m hot and my wife’s cold.

So does this CD have any words? Or is the whole thing intros?

My wife and I are supposed to switch off the driving, but she hasn’t given me a turn yet. Apparently, my longer arms are “better for passing things back.”

Hm. I know I grew up here, but do the people in New York know about all the empty space in upstate New York? There’s nothing up here. Everyone’s crowded in one corner at the bottom of the state, stacked on top of each other, like Canada is a smelly, homeless guy on the subway.

Seriously. There aren’t even horsies up here.

Goshen! They can’t live in Goshen?

There’s almost no one on these roads, and no one is here without a good reason. Is everyone on this road going to the chasuna?

I brought cream cheese, but no knives.

And no plates. I guess I have to put one slice of bread on each leg.

Why on earth did the kids bring a game with dice?

There’s also a town named Canaan.

Boy, my wife sure knows a lot of alphabet games.

Boy, there sure are a lot of trucks going to this chasunah.

I live in New Jersey. I don’t remember how to pump my own gas. It’s 12 o’clock at night! I can’t believe we have to pump our own gas, like animals!

So to get through the border to Canada at 12:30 at night, we had no cars in front of us and only one little old lady in the booth. A little old lady: Canada’s first line of defense.

That’s it? We spent almost a thousand dollars on passports so one little old lady could look at them for five seconds and wave us through?

Actually, yes we did. If we’d just shown up at the border with a wedding invitation, it probably would have taken longer.

So we’re in Canada, and the signs say we can go 100. Awesome!

How big are kilometers, anyway?

Are we driving on the correct side of the road? I guess we’ll find out.

We asked our kids what they think of Canada so far. We’ve been here for five minutes. “Canada’s dark,” one kid says.

So the entire two-hour drive once we get to Canada is us driving around a lake? How big is this lake?

Oh. Great.

This better be a good wedding.

Okay, back in the car. That was some wedding! Didn’t see a single trucker, though.

One awesome thing about Canada is that after you find out the price of something, you get another moment of elation when you find out it’s cheaper in American dollars. It’s like finding money under the seats.

Wow, gas is a really good price here! $1.17! Canadian!

Wait. That’s for a liter. I don’t even know how to do the conversion, then. That’s two steps. I can’t do that kind of math. I’m American.

Who buys a liter of gas? “Yup, that’s enough for me. Don’t want to splurge.” Canada is mostly wide open spaces.

Canada’s also cold. Today it’s 95 degrees in New Jersey, but 85 in Canada. We didn’t even think to bring coats.

Alphabet games are easier in Canada. Half the letters we normally get stuck on (J, X) are common in French, and as far as Q and W, we’re on the QEW.

What letter is “zed”? And how do they rhyme their ABC song over here? Do they just put the alphabet in a different order?

The line to get back into to US is considerably longer than the line was to get into Canada. I think Canadian security is more lax. They’re just looking for warm bodies. It’s 85 degrees over there.

The guy at border control wants to know if we’re bringing any citrus fruits down from Canada. Yeah, that’s why we went north. For citrus fruits.

Travel tip: Decide before you get to the border who’s gonna do the talking. If they ask a question and you and your spouse spout different answers, things take longer.

So it turns out that driving long distances is really not good for one’s diet. Especially if your destination is a chasunah. And it doesn’t help that every restroom we pass has a candy store.

There’s also a town called Medina.

Every time I open the door, water bottles fall out.

“Hey, everybody! Look at the view!”

“No, the view on the right. The left side is solid rock.”

Is anybody in this car wearing shoes?

We really need to change the garbage bag in here. There’s only so many times I can keep shoving it down with my bare foot.

We’re stopping again? We just stopped 700 hot tamales ago.

Okay, bathroom stop. Everyone put on your shoes. Please.

-After the first 18 times, this CD really starts growing on you.

“Deer crossing—next 2 miles.” What happens in two miles? Do they get official crosswalks?

All right, we’re home! Time to air out the car. We have to drive to sheva brachos tomorrow.

By Mordechai Schmutter

 Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press and Aish.com, among others. He also has five books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].