Can abstract mathematics help solve real challenges in Orthodox communal life? That’s a question I have been answering over the past year.
I had decided to research what we commonly call the shidduch crisis. Specifically, I wanted to build on the research studies published in 2022-23 by teams from the OU as well as Touro. They focused on the struggles of Orthodox singles and estimated their population. The researchers noted the widespread perception that there are less single Orthodox men than women, but that this contradicted their data.
The researchers also reported that many single women and girls have depression and anxiety due to the shidduch crisis. Also disturbing is that some men have taken advantage of the shidduch crisis and are acting manipulatively. I felt a duty to research what I could using mathematical modeling and propose interventions and solutions.
What I discovered about the shidduch crisis and shidduchim in general might surprise you. Here is a summary of my findings:
- There is no contradiction between the population of single men and women being fairly balanced and women not finding anyone to date. The way shidduch resumes circulate causes the phenomenon.
- Singles sending their shidduch resumes everywhere does not help them get any more matches. In fact it makes the shidduch crisis worse.
- Shidduch resumes and online dating have made singles extremely picky but not how anyone thinks.
- Solutions to the shidduch crisis already exist from an unexpected source.
- Slight changes in the current system can have a big positive effect.
Now for the details.
From a mathematical perspective, the root cause of the shidduch crisis is that too many matches are suggested. Due to a lack of coordination, the distribution of matches is heavily uneven and biased against women. Specifically, since men are nearly always the first to approve a match, they have the bulk of shidduch resumes and full online dating queues.
This explains why men receive dozens of shidduch resumes and women get very few. It is not that there are only a few men. Rather men have copies of the shidduch resumes of every woman they could ever date and women only receive a resume when men choose them.
In addition, if a man’s current match ends then he can turn to another one right away. This means that men are only available for very brief intervals. Either they are currently dating someone or pursuing possible shidduchim. This lack of availability causes a sense of scarcity. Single men are constantly going unnoticed because they do not have trouble finding dates and are rarely available to receive new matches.
Another consequence of too many match suggestions is how singles choose a match. If you look at the search results page of an online dating website, a smartphone app or the top of a shidduch resume, you will see that singles are distinguished by only three things: profile photo, hashkafa and age. This means that statistically speaking, most dating decisions are made based on only this information without even getting to bios or any other detail. Given the volume of resumes and online profiles, older singles keep getting skipped over or filtered out entirely. Also, due to profile photos rarely being realistic and hashkafas being vague, both men and women face extreme challenges in finding someone suitable.
Clearly something must be done or the shidduch crisis will continue to get worse. Fortunately, my research led me to various solutions. I had noticed a mathematical connection between shidduch dating and job searching. Somehow, every job seeker today applies to hundreds of jobs without hearing back from any employer and without the unemployment rate skyrocketing. The math turns out to be the same, just with work resumes substituted for shidduch resumes.
Therefore, I realized that solutions to the shidduch crisis can come from successful job search strategies.
Job seekers often succeed by asking a contact for a referral. In shidduchim, this translates into friends setting up friends without using shidduch resumes. Job seekers who are less connected can still attend a meetup in their industry. In these informal yet focused gatherings, they can grow their careers and network with other professionals.
If we run singles events like meetups, they would be fun yet focused on building connections, improving communication and promoting healthy marriages. With some others, I’m gauging interest for such an event in early 2025. For more information, please visit the website I created for this, shmeetup.com.
Many singles will still rely mostly on shidduch resumes and online dating. I brainstormed how to make the resume system more efficient and effective. Unfortunately, the situation cannot be fixed by simply sending more resumes initially to women. The reason is that too many matches still burden and clog up the system. For online dating, I think an experiential approach is best. That is, if women coordinate trends to modify their dating profiles settings, then they can find ones which work best.
I took a different approach and began developing types of documents that would be used in conjunction with shidduch resumes. They would guide the flow of shidduch resumes in the most productive directions. I project a need to tailor the system separately for the Modern Orthodox community and the Yeshivish community. If you are able to advise me or are interested in helping, please email me.
I’d like to close with a Torah thought. During this whole process, I have thought of another intervention in shidduchim. The last mishnah in Taanit (4:8) describes women dancing in vineyards wearing borrowed white garments and calling on men to marry them for the right reasons. I always struggled to understand these women’s bold actions. I now believe they were probably responding to a very challenging matchmaking system.
Therefore, I hope my analysis and suggestions are not taken as too bold but rather as a response to the shidduch dating system in need of much improvement. As a benefit, I finally have an answer to my students’ probing question: “How can math like this ever help us in real life?”
Ari Blinder is a math educator living in Highland Park. He is the owner of Math for the Masses (www.math4masses.com), an innovative tutoring and consulting company. He is also the writer of The Jewish Link column “Mitzvah Math.” Ari started the website Shmeetup, shmeetup.com, to create more engaging events for Orthodox singles (pun intended). He can be reached at [email protected] regarding this article.
