It was the night before Chanukah and I was at my friend Heather’s house, helping her sort out her makeup drawer. All of a sudden, we heard a banging on the front door. We peeked out of the window and saw a man with a few children. Heather opened the door and the man pointed at the home next door — “Your neighbor’s home is on fire!” he yelled. “I called 9-1-1 but I figured I should warn the neighboring houses because it looks like the fire could spread.” He then sprinted back to his car with his young children, and sure enough we saw a fire through the neighbor’s window, getting larger by the minute.
I stood there in shock, feeling like my feet were rooted to the ground, unable to move or speak. “We have to put out the fire!” Heather shouted, and I watched as she started running to the neighbor’s home with a small mop bucket with some water from her kitchen sink. As she approached the house, the windows started blowing out and the flames were getting higher. I still couldn’t move.
Lucky for us, Heather’s older brother was home and came running out of the house, having heard Heather yelling. He ushered both of us into his car, Heather still holding her bucket, and started driving away. After we had all calmed down, Heather’s brother explained to her that her small bucket of water was not going to put out a big fire and then turned to me and said, “Shira, you probably should have moved away at some point. I’m not sure why you just stood there watching the whole thing.” I felt pretty dumb at the time, but knowing what I know now, this story is the perfect illustration of fight, flight or freeze.
Fight, flight and freeze are three primary responses to perceived danger, each representing a different way one’s body and mind react to stress or threat. By identifying individual typical stress responses, people can work with a therapist to develop tailored strategies to manage anxiety more effectively.
In this scenario, Heather’s immediate action to confront the fire, despite her limited means, illustrates the “fight” response. She felt compelled to take direct action against the threat. She probably felt an increased sense of adrenaline, muscle tension and a surge of energy. People who default to a fight response are often the ones who argue back during a heated conversation or physically defend themselves if attacked. In therapy, it may be useful for someone with a fight response to work on identifying triggers, communication skills and bodily self-awareness.
My body and mind were rendered immobile and speechless, overwhelmed by the sudden danger. This reaction is a classic example of the “freeze” response. As I saw the fire, I felt a sense of paralysis. Perhaps my breathing slowed down and my muscles stiffened. People who notice themselves having a freeze response often will feel rooted to their spot when frightened or will find themselves at a loss for words. In therapy, the therapist may work on a freeze response by understanding underlying causes, utilizing mindfulness and potentially exploring past trauma.
Heather’s brother had a “flight” response. This involves escaping the threat to ensure safety. He may have felt a burst of energy that came with hyperventilating and rapid heartbeat. In therapy, people with flight responses often work on avoidant and people-pleasing tendencies. Someone who defaults to the flight response may work on boundary setting and advocating for themself.
In moments of crisis, these instinctive responses — fight, flight or freeze — can often take over, guiding actions in ways that may seem bewildering in hindsight. Understanding these reactions can offer valuable insights into behavior and help therapists and clients to develop strategies to cope with stress more effectively. My Chanukah experience, marked by Heather’s courageous yet impulsive attempt to fight the fire, my immobilizing freeze response, and her brother’s quick decision to flee, highlighted the diverse ways people respond to danger. Recognizing and understanding one’s own tendencies can be the first step toward managing them better. Whether it’s through building awareness, learning grounding techniques or working on assertiveness, therapy offers tools to navigate automatic responses, allowing people to act more thoughtfully in the face of future challenges.
Shira Somerstein, LCSW, is a therapist to teenagers and young adults struggling with big emotions often brought on by big life transitions. Shira currently has openings for in person sessions in Teaneck as well as virtual sessions for residents of New York, New Jersey and Florida. Shira utilizes IFS, CBT and DBT, as well as other modalities to foster resilience, empowerment and practical skill-building in every session. To schedule an appointment, visit
www.collaborativeminds.net/shira-somerstein.
