“I’m a good parent—some would even call me a great parent! I’m supportive and empathetic, I listen to Dr. Becky’s podcast all the time, I understand how Snapchat works and I wear Alo socks. Why won’t my daughter talk to me?!”

I get asked some iteration of this question by almost every parent I work with. We know that communication is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship, which is why many mothers feel perplexed or even hurt by the lack of information they get from their adolescent and young adult daughters. Beginning the process of fostering communication can be challenging, yet extremely rewarding in the long run.

First and foremost, your daughter is most likely to share when you create a safe and non-judgmental environment. This means putting away distractions, listening attentively and validating what she is saying, as opposed to judging and blaming. “But my teen does such dumb things!” I hear you saying. “How could I possibly validate the bad choices she’s making? Isn’t it my job as her mother to explain how the world works?” The answer to that is that there is always a feeling to validate behind the action. For example, if your teenager has been excommunicated from her friend group for sharing a secret that she wasn’t supposed to share, you can validate how it feels to have a hard time holding in a secret without condoning the action. To validate in a sincere way, it may be helpful for you to remember a time where you shared a secret or had a really hard time not sharing one. Validating the feeling without validating the action may sound something like this: “I know that feeling of really wanting to share a secret; it can be so difficult to have sensitive information and not pass it on.” You aren’t telling your daughter that she did the right thing or that the consequences she is facing are not deserved, you are simply validating the way she may have been feeling at the time. If your daughter is expressing shame and guilt around sharing the secret, she doesn’t need you to reinforce how terrible her actions were—she knows.

Another way you can encourage communication is by modeling what sharing feelings looks like in a healthy and age appropriate way. If you had a really hard day at work and you come home feeling tense and frustrated, it’s appropriate to say to your child, “I had a really tough day at work and I’m feeling tense and frustrated. You may feel that I’m a little annoyed and I want to reassure you that it’s not directed at you and not anything that you did. I’m going to make sure to make myself a hot drink/call a friend/go for a walk/order pizza for dinner/any form of self-care to help myself calm down.”

Now, your teen may respond by rolling her eyes and saying “Ohhhhkay Ma…”, but be assured—she heard you and is learning from you. As self-absorbed as our teenagers (and children of all ages!) can be, they pick up on the atmosphere around them and they learn by watching how you handle yourself. The more you model healthy behaviors around anxiety, stress and communication in general, the more your daughter will respond in kind.

Finally, let’s talk about the important skill of giving space when it’s needed. Middle school and high school can be incredibly stressful places, even for a well-adjusted and extroverted child. Imagine going to work and people are looking you up and down and talking about your nails, hair and shoes. Imagine taking out your lunch and people making comments to you like “Ew, that smells weird,” and “Who at our age still eats noodles?” and “How can you even be hungry after the school gave out doughnuts this morning?” Imagine saving your babysitting money to buy a White Fox sweatshirt, but by the time you show up to work wearing it, everyone’s already moved on to the next brand without telling you and you’ve missed the boat yet again. Your teenager has a long and stressful day with many explicit and implicit demands and expectations made of her by teachers and peers. Teenagers are balancing a tremendous amount and often need decompression time when they come home from school. Understanding your daughter’s need for decompression while still showing interest in her day may be as simple as saying “Hey, I know you probably had a long day and need some space. I’m here if you want to talk.”

Navigating the complex terrain of communication with your teen can be daunting and demoralizing at times. As you put effort into creating a solid relationship, remember to have self-compassion and know that there is no one right way to parent. By modeling and embracing open and honest communication, you are building a foundation for life as your child grows into adulthood.

Shira Somerstein brings a wealth of experience and compassion to her clients at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy LLC. Shira specializes in adolescent development, young adults going through life transitions, and general anxiety. Shira utilizes IFS, CBT, and DBT, as well as other modalities to foster resilience, empowerment, and practical skill-building in every session.