I have thought of writing on this topic for quite a while but was not sure how to get my thoughts across meaningfully. There seem to be so many aspects of life that most couples choose not to deal with or discuss. For instance: I realize and understand why most younger couples do not feel the need to discuss who would be the guardians of their children if something happened to them. To most it seems highly unlikely that this would ever be the case, or for many it is taken for granted that their parents would immediately take charge.

That is, of course, assuming they are on the same page. In today’s day and age where we are blessed with so many baalei teshuva in all of our communities, that assumption cannot be taken for granted. One of the reasons that I mention this is that both my husband and I had a pact with very dear friends that if ever we were in such a predicament we would each take over the guardianship of our children. We did have shomer Shabbat families but we felt that they were both too old and not equipped to raise our children the way that we would wish.

For most it seems like a technicality. In our case, one of the partners of the other family died at a very young age suddenly and her husband was left with the challenge of raising their children alone. If anything had happened to him, we would have become the Brady Bunch.

A lesson that we learned from this situation is that both of our friends had discussed where they wanted to be buried. Why would such a young couple in their early 30s even think of such a thing? Wisely, they realized that because they were living out of town in chinuch, the chances of their children remaining in that community were slim.

Each of us fairly frequently received letters from YU rabbinic alumni about buying cemetery plots in Eretz Hachaim in the special YU section. Every time I got it at the age of 32, I threw it in the garbage. Suddenly as our friend said to us, “Fortunately that was one less decision that he had to make.” How many couples in their mid-30s today think about cemetery plots? I venture to think almost none. We immediately followed suit. We actually did not use the plots as we realized that since we had no children living in Israel at that time, nor what looks like in the not-so-distant future, it made more sense for us to be buried closer to home.

I know that unless one is faced with a sudden tragedy most do not think of anything like this. The topics that two people should share I would suggest be discussed prior to a crisis. The problem is that so many do not want to talk about things until it becomes too late.

In the month of September our family was given the devastating news that our children’s beloved father and my beloved husband was going to die of lung cancer. We were told that the prognosis was not good. Immediately I shared with my beloved Mordechai what the doctor had said. I told him that I did not want him to die. He responded by saying he did not want to die either.

We lived every day for the following six weeks not really discussing what was going to happen to me or to our children. He told me several times that I did not have to worry because I would be fine. In retrospect I wish that I could ask him what that meant.

Guess what? I am not fine. Finding my way alone after so many years of having a partner who shared every breath with me is grueling. I think that maybe we should have had a better plan or a map with a strategy. We didn’t talk about it. His children reassured him that they would take care of me, and he thanked them. I feel that we should have really discussed far more deeply how I was supposed to go on. Neither one of us did that because I guess it certainly did not enter his mind and I had little time to concentrate on it. We were living in the moment.

I strongly suggest to older couples that they have specific talks with each other about what would happen if one would pass away. Today when couples are together and even the slightest mention of such a thing is brought up, there is a good deal of joking because no one wants to face the possibility that it will eventually happen to them. Things always happen to other people. Such a ridiculous way of looking at things. Yet we all do it.

Many ultra-serious topics of discussion between couples are frequently swept under the rug. True, it is easier not to think about them. Trust me, it is easier if you try to slightly put yourself in a discomfort zone and talk about what lies ahead even if it is thoroughly unknown. Honestly, I am not sure if this makes any sense, but I feel the need to share that you should all not hesitate to talk about things that are slightly uncomfortable. Better now than never.

Nina Glick can be reached at [email protected].