One of my favorite television shows was, and always will be, “Arthur” on PBS. My brother and I still quote it often and at my wedding, my best friend Shira arranged a flash-mob according to the song “Having Fun Isn’t Hard When You’ve Got a Library Card.” I discovered Arthur when I was young and excitedly waited for new episodes. There was humor, there were great lessons and I appreciated every element of the show and all its characters.
“Arthur,” like most cartoon television shows, featured characters whose clothing rarely changed: Arthur almost always wore his yellow sweater, DW had her pink dress, and Buster Baxter was continually seen in his green green shirt with a pink collar. While I believe I had the recognition as a child that they really did not change clothes, this did not impact my enjoyment of the show or the characters. Because what I remembered was the feeling of watching the show, and certain lines that still—to this day—make me laugh.
In the real world, we rarely see people who choose to wear the exact same outfit daily. Clothing is a form of self-expression for so many, and having a personal style allows us to adorn the vessel that houses our inner soul. It can be fun to get a new outfit, try out a new style, or simply find something that is comfortable and fits well. But all too often we get extremely caught up in our appearance in a way that moves beyond enjoyment or interest into a feeling of overwhelm.
I recall hearing a therapy assignment years ago from a colleague for a client to not wear makeup one day. Is makeup wrong or bad? No. But when someone believes she cannot possibly leave the house without a full face of makeup and cancels a social outing or obligation, then we know we’ve entered more tenuous territory.
When we begin to rely on external factors as determinants of whether or not we can leave our homes or be with others, we miss out on living. We miss out on connecting with ourselves and with others and noticing opportunities right in front of us. The sense of pressure and obligation to look a certain way—whether related to weight, makeup, hair or clothing—can become consuming and act as a means of defining our sense of self or self-worth. When in reality, however, we are so much more than the shell that houses us.
Think of someone you admire or respect or simply enjoy spending time with – perhaps a mentor, teacher, friend or grandparent. Is it possible that this person has a cool style or always looks put together? Sure. But is that what you look forward to most when you think about spending time with the person? Is that the reason you enjoy his or her company? Is that component the factor that allows you to feel connected or seen?
My own grandmother,, z”l was stopped by Time Out New York because of her incredible fashion sense. She was always dressed to the nines and I’m not sure I ever saw her repeat an outfit. When I recall this about her, it always makes me smile. But that was not her essence and that is not what I remember most. I remember the values that she taught and continues to teach me and the way I felt in the room with her—whether she was wearing pajamas and we were sitting at her kitchen table on a Yom Tov morning or she was wearing the most extravagant hat to shul—it was about the way it felt to be with her, not her clothing or how she looked.
Think about the power you hold to help others feel seen. Think about how some of that power—that light—dims just a bit when you become preoccupied with your appearance. You have the ability to spread that light to others, but not if your definition of self and primary value is based on how you look. Is it easy to get caught up in this, based on our society? Yes. Is it also possible to challenge yourself? Absolutely.
I can probably get a sense of Arthur’s style based on his one outfit. But what I can tell you more about are his personality, worries, connections, strengths and moments of joy. Perhaps we’re not quite ready to move into a cartoon world and wear the same thing no matter the day. And perhaps that wouldn’t even be good for our self-expression. But I strive to take a lesson and pass on an important value from my grandmother and dress in a way that feels right to me, but focus more on how I feel and how I make others feel regardless of my outer shell.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and she specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. She is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
