“Nobody Wants This” has become the new binge-worthy Netflix series, enthralling viewers with a classic tale of an unlikely romance between Joanne, a relationship podcaster with a penchant for bad relationships, and Noah, a dedicated assistant rabbi vying for a chance to lead a congregation from the pulpit, as they navigate the challenges of falling for each other despite their vastly different religious backgrounds. Throughout the show, they face skepticism from their families, friends and others, as they throw caution to the wind and proceed as though love can conquer all.
Now, I am all for a sappy love story. But, to be honest, I did not personally enjoy the show for myriad reasons. Aside from the perpetuation of harmful Jewish stereotypes—the plain, nagging, joyless, marriage-hungry Jewish girlfriend, who is replaced by the free-spirited, beautiful, blond, independent career woman, who is, in cringeworthy fashion, referred to as “shiksa” throughout the series—the entire “love conquers all” narrative did not sit well with me as a divorce lawyer.
While the show offers a heartwarming tale of love overcoming religious differences, I could not help but see potential pitfalls based on the couple’s fundamentally disparate lifestyles and backgrounds.
Fundamental disagreements on core precepts, such as religion, finances or child-rearing, is a significant predictor of divorce. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, shared core values are critical for a healthy relationship. Gottman refers to these shared core values as anchor points; they represent your deepest beliefs about life, relationships and the world around you.
Anchor points help create and sustain a collective purpose in the relationship and help you understand why you are in a relationship with your spouse. They assist both parties in identifying if a situation or decision is in line with what both partners believe in or care about, which supports other fundamental relationship building blocks such as effective communication skills, constructive conflict management, intimacy and connection, creating shared meaning, and accepting your partner’s needs.
In the case of “Nobody Wants This,” Joanne and Noah do not merely have differing views on religion, lifestyle and future goals. They do not share any common ground in those areas. Their decision to dive headlong into a relationship teeming with red flags and foundational cracks is a breeding ground for conflict and strain as their relationship progresses.
One of these protagonists will need to renounce a core value: Either Noah will need to step away from his religion and dream role of head rabbi of a congregation, or Joanne will need to centralize a religion and a lifestyle that has no meaning to her through a conversion that was neither desired nor even contemplated prior to her falling in love with Noah. Either way, one party is walking away from an essential component of self to make the relationship successful. This is not a recipe for “happily ever after.” It is a recipe for disaster.
“Nobody Wants This” may offer a feel-good romantic escape from reality, but it is important that the show not become aspirational for those facing fundamental differences in their relationships. I hate to break it to hopeless romantics, but love cannot conquer all. Love can get you through hard times, it can strengthen a solid foundation, and it can minimize conflict through understanding and acceptance. But it cannot overcome a mismatch of values, transform your partner by providing them with a new set of morals, or cure a major character flaw.
Eliana T. Baer is a partner in the Family Law Practice Group of Fox Rothschild LLP, representing clients statewide in divorce, asset distribution, support, custody, domestic violence, premarital agreements, and Appellate Practice. Eliana is a member of the boards of the Jewish Bar Association and the Family Law Executive Committee. Eliana has been selected to the Best Lawyers in America (2024-25), JD Supra’s Readers Choice Award for Family Law (2024), Super Lawyers—Rising Stars (2014-2024), New Leaders to the Bar by the New Jersey Law Journal (2018), “Top 10 Under 40” list by the National Academy of Family Law Attorneys (2017), and “Trailblazers” list in Divorce Law (2016)*. Eliana appears in both civil and rabbinical courts. You can reach Eliana at (609) 895-3344, or [email protected].
*Award methodology available at https://www.foxrothschild.com/eliana-baer/honors-awards.
