Years ago, when I worked at both a treatment center and group practice in NYC, I ran coping skills groups. I love skills-based work—so often people will say that it feels as if they have no skills to use when emotions get big and things feel hard, and building a toolbox is an extremely tangible step. This being said, some people tend to hate skills-work. Not in theory; in theory it sounds extremely helpful to have a list of ideas of what might help when activated. But practically, there’s a lot of resistance.
“But it still feels hard!” is one of the leading responses I get. There’s a hope that when feeling depressed or extremely anxious, the skill itself will transform the emotion. Almost like a magic wand is being waved and suddenly—poof!—the person feels all better. This is why the first course of action when working through skills is to explore expectations: you will not have a magical wand-waving experience. You will, though, go from a 10 to perhaps a 7 or be able to push yourself or simply think beyond the very giant emotion taking up all the space in your mind—are amongst what I tell people.
Still, there is so much resistance because nowadays, there is resistance to what feels hard. We go through great efforts to avoid discomfort, at nearly any cost. The intolerance we have for engaging in what feels hard often leads us to avoidance or coping in a maladaptive manner; we already feel uncomfortable—whether that be anxiety, panic, despair—and then to try to do something that may not yield results immediately? Preposterous.
So instead we numb or avoid or cope with the pain in a way that is not ultimately benefiting us. This can be through a substance, eating disorder, addiction or even an “innocent” behavior that becomes our only way of managing. Because to sit with the feeling, to try to navigate and challenge the pain just feels like too much. And this is on top of already living in a world that is full of impatience; we cannot tolerate when our children tantrum, our internet is slow, or an ad comes up in the middle of a video. We are accustomed to the belief that discomfort can be avoided when in reality, discomfort is where we grow.
Discomfort is where we feel our emotions, recognize pain, and have the opportunity to learn. Is it enjoyable? No. But it is necessary.
Need to have an uncomfortable conversation? Instead of delaying it or putting it into a text, you can engage in some tools to help ground your body, reflect on your boundaries, visualize what you can say, and recognize what you will do following the conversation—especially if there is a “worst case scenario” outcome. You can manage more than you think, but you may need some skills for this to be tolerable. Tolerable does not mean it will be zen or joyful, it means you can manage this.
We need to start from the foundation of the belief that we can tolerate and overcome hard things. And in the context of therapy or any experience that includes a process, recognize that this will take time. I witnessed my daughter just last week trying to achieve a perfect spin with a dreidel. When she tried four times and couldn’t get it she said that she wanted to give up or throw away the dreidel. So we sat together and took a deep breath. We talked about how many things in life will not come easily and there are other aspects to playing dreidel besides a “smooth spin,” such as having fun or spending time with another person. She wanted to give up because of an intolerance of frustration and of her own internal dialogue. I completely understand this. But she needed to be further in the frustration in order to grow.
The next day she practiced again and again, and my father—who was with her—sent me a video of her trying and the first two times still struggling, but then getting that spin she wanted. And I told her I was so proud of her—not because she did it, but because she did not give up.
This example simplifies the process of trying to create change or tolerating a deeper mental health struggle. It doesn’t always happen quickly, and sometimes the end goal may look different than what we expect. But it offers the same steps—grounding tool, internal dialogue and being in the emotion.
We can handle hard things, but we need to recognize our expectations and learn tools—if we don’t have them—for tolerating what is hard which will still include discomfort. So go on, be uncomfortable—grow! I believe that you can handle this.
Temimah Zucker, LCSW, works in New York and New Jersey with individuals ages 18 and older who are struggling with mental health concerns, and she specializes in working with those looking to heal their relationships between their bodies and souls. Zucker is an advocate and public speaker concerning eating disorder awareness and a metro New York consultant at Monte Nido. She is honored to now serve on the board of Atzmi. To learn more or to reach her, visit www.temimah.com.
