During the first year after our precious daughter, Tova Gail Feldstein, a”h, passed away, I devoted no less than six of my weekly columns to her memory. I found that writing about her was a way to help me in the grieving process … and the articles also seemed to resonate with others who knew Tova.

Since her first yahrzeit, I haven’t written anything about Tova—but that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been on my mind. Not a day goes by where Sharon and I don’t think about our daughter—the memories … the occasions where she is sorely missed … the times we wonder what she would do or say if she were still with us today.

But what provides us with the most comfort is hearing stories about Tova … and knowing that even two years after her untimely death, she still has an impact on others.

So … as we approach her second yahrzeit, on the 9th day of Shevat, let me share a few stories about our daughter that we have been fortunate to hear about after she died. For us, it’s the most appropriate way we can pay tribute to her short but incredible life.

Tova loved birthdays, and any of her Facebook friends can tell you that she was always the first person to send birthday wishes to them (usually at 12:01 a.m.). But there’s one birthday story that was truly incredible … and demonstrated the lengths to which Tova would go to be kind and thoughtful to others.

It was on the day of her friend Adina’s birthday. Tova wanted to surprise her with a birthday cupcake from Beldotti’s, our local kosher bakery—but she didn’t know if her favorite flavor was chocolate or vanilla. So what did Tova do? She bought Adina two cupcakes—one chocolate cupcake, one vanilla cupcake—and left both at her front door, with a happy birthday note explaining about the two cupcakes.

That was Tova.

Then there is the story that her friend Keona shared with us. Keona had enrolled in a program that required her to take a class each day for a week up in Hartford, Connecticut, and get to the class very early in the morning. The long drive made it necessary for Keona to get up at 4:30 a.m. each morning … and drive a couple of hours to the class. Each day Tova called her at 4:30 a.m. to wake her up—and then stayed on the phone with her for a couple of hours while she was driving to make sure she would get there safely.

That was Tova.

Another story. Tova had a co-worker named Larissa. During Larissa’s first week at work, Tova asked Larissa, “What’s your favorite color? Well, actually, what’s your favorite two colors?” Larissa could not figure out why the answers to those questions were important to Tova. Then, a few days later, Tova excitedly gave Larissa a home-crafted bottle wrapped in yarn, utilizing her two favorite colors. “It’s a vase for your home!” Larissa was flabbergasted. After all, who does that these days? Who takes the time and effort to do something so thoughtful for, essentially, a stranger?

That was Tova.

One of her closest friends, Samantha, shared this story with us:

“A few years ago, I was having a really, really bad day. Tova was the only person I felt I could talk to about things, as Tova would instantly pull me out of those dark spots. I went to Tova’s apartment to talk about the incident. Tova ended up making me dinner—and she really listened. She told me that everything happens for a reason and that I shouldn’t worry about it. It was just a bad day, not a bad life.

“The next day I came home from work, and there was an Amazon package waiting at my door. Inside the Amazon package was a fake bouquet of blue flowers, along with a note saying, “I hope these make you feel better … flowers for every day.” A little box really made such a difference to my whole mood and the whole situation. She did not have to spend her own money on something to make me feel better, but she took the time to find something that she knew would bring joy to me in my time of darkness. I still have the flowers to this day, displayed in my room, and I look at them every day and remember her. Tova did acts of kindness like this all the time. She was always thinking of others before herself. This was just one of the instances in which she brightened my days with something so small but so meaningful.”

That was Tova.

A final story. A few weeks before she passed away, Tova decided to use her winter break to visit her friend Allie and her family in Florida. Most folks Tova’s age would spend their time off going on a vacation during their winter break. But Tova was selfless … always looking for ways to bring joy to others, and she did it effortlessly and naturally. When she arrived in Florida, she got up early every morning so she could play with Allie’s two children. She did an impromptu “circle time” with music and learning, while Allie got ready to go to work.

That was Tova.

Of course, there are also stories we have heard from others about how Tova has impacted their lives, even two years after her death, and what some folks have done to help perpetuate her memory.

Tova loved taking photos of sunsets and sunrises—and posting them on social media for others to see. During the past year, I must have received at least a dozen emails from different people, saying they just saw a beautiful sunrise or sunset—and thought of Tova. Those messages brought great comfort to me.

Earlier this year, the Schoke Jewish Family Services in Stamford dedicated a children’s therapy room in its office in Tova’s memory. About a month ago, Sharon and I received an email from the director, who recounted the following story that was shared by one of his staff members:

“I conducted a session in the Tova Room this week with a very active eight-year-old boy. The welcoming and cheerful atmosphere of the room allowed the child to feel very much at home. This helped generate a good, natural conversation, and I was able to learn as much from how he utilized and enjoyed the room as from his words. I absolutely felt guided by Tova’s energy, which is present in the room. Thank you for making this possible and for associating Tova’s memory with such a useful community resource.”

That brought a smile to my face.

The JumpStart program at the Stamford Jewish Community Center, where Tova worked for 17 years, now calls the daily circle time they organize for its students “Tova Time,” as a constant reminder of the impact Tova had on the students and on the teachers in the program.

Wow!

Three of Tova’s cousins have had children in the past two years—and we have been blessed to have three new family members bearing her name (and hopefully the abundant energy and overall kindness that she always displayed to others as well).

Tova was friendly with a local disc jockey, who took her untimely death very hard. He now ends every gig that he plays with one of Tova’s favorite songs, “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus, as a tribute to her soul.

I think Dana, a coworker at JumpStart, may have best captured the essence of what Tova was all about:

“Tova lit up a room of any size, whether the JumpStart room at the JCC, a wedding hall, a basketball stadium, or the stands at the U.S. Open. Tova had the energy of the Energizer Bunny, always ready for an adventure in the snow, a trip to Dairy Queen, a drive to Mohegan Sun, or just going down the road to dance to her favorite DJ. Tova was always eager to learn more, stretch outside her comfort zone, and push her boundaries. Tova touched so many lives with her positivity, laughter, and warm heart, both adults and countless children alike. There are no words to express how much Tova will be missed every single day. Dear Tova, may your memory forever be a blessing to all of us who were lucky enough to have you in our lives for much too short a time.”

The Talmud has a strange debate about whether the world was worth creating, given all the evil that exists. The houses of Shammai and Hillel argued about it and finally concluded, “Noach lo l’adam shelo nivra yoter me’shevira,” best translated as “It would have been better had humanity not been created than created.” At first blush, this seems terribly depressing. However, a careful examination of the words reveals much hope. The Ishbitzer Rebbe notes that the word used is “Noach lo l’adam and not “Tov lo l’adam.” The rabbis conclude that if a person remains passive in life (noach), it is better for them not to have been created. However, if a person realizes that he or she was created for the purpose of bringing goodness into the world (tov), then for sure we are worthy of creation.

Finally, I’d like to quote Rabbi Daniel Cohen, in his eulogy for Tova:

“Tova understood her divine purpose in spades. Rarely does such a young person find the magic in every moment, and the eternal light in a sunrise or sunset. Her perpetual youthful spirit reminds all of us that you can find joy in the simplest of things, a truth we too often forget. When Tova was born, she was given the name Tova Gittel, reflecting the essence of her neshama, her soul. Goodness through and through, with a heart as endless as an ocean. We can all take comfort in knowing that she lived her life radiating her essence. We so wish she was blessed with length of years, but she did merit the greatest of accolades—she was blessed with length of days. She did her utmost to make the most of every minute, every friendship, unlocking the joy and song of life, with hugs and unconditional love with her whole heart. She lived her life knowing the world is being recreated every day, and every breath is a gift, a moment once to be seized.”

Indeed, that was Tova. May her neshama have an aliyah.

Michael Feldstein, who lives in Stamford, Connecticut, is the author of “Meet Me in the Middle” (meet-me-in-the-middle-book.com), a collection of essays on contemporary Jewish life. He can be reached at [email protected].