Tisha B’Av is over and Tu B’Av is upon us. It is the fulfillment of the biblical mitzvah of “v’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha” to attempt to make a shidduch. Indeed, in this one act, one fulfills two of these mitzvos simultaneously, since one is benefitting two people.
One is also fulfilling the mitzvah of emulating the Creator, “v’halachta biDrachav,” since Hashem was the very first shadchan, having created and matched Adam and Chava.
But what method do shadchanim, both professional and dabblers in the field, use to perform this mitzvah?
The Chayei Adam has a section just before the laws of Shabbos where he addresses the ideal manner in which to perform all mitzvos. Is there an ideal method in which to fulfill this particular “v’ahavta l’rayacha kamocha”?
The truth is, through whichever method they choose to perform it, the mitzvah is certainly welcomed. But, a brief survey reveals that there are no less than six different methods employed by shadchanim. What follows is a brief synopsis of each of these methods. Following the synopsis will be a modest suggestion.
1. Working Memory Method
It seems that many shadchanim have about five or six candidates of each gender in their working memory. Working memory is defined as the information that the person can access immediately. Often the shadchan will choose the best available candidate in his or her working memory that would be compatible with the person the shadchan is currently thinking about.
2. Just Bumped Into the Other Person Method
Often a shadchan (generally the dabblers) will have met a person of the opposite gender right before they encountered the person they are now discussing. The shadchan will often view this as a directional signal of sorts from above and will attempt to put together the shidduch on this account. What is interesting to note is that the method is often successful.
3. Similar Nuance or Trait Method
At times, the shadchan’s subconscious mind will notice a trait, nuance or even a turn of phrase that both candidates share. This similarity, in the shadchan’s mind, will cause him to put both of them together, for some reason. This too is a method that will often produce results. By the same token a shadchan may put two people together because they may share a similar struggle or difficulty.
4. First Person
That Pops in the Head Method
A shadchan will at times have a name pop into his or her head in what seems to be an out of the blue idea. It is unclear, exactly, how this mechanism actually works. When questioned the shadchan cannot identify why he or she thought of it. They just did.
5. Opposite Trait Method
A shadchan (usually the professional ones do this) might often view a trait of the candidate and decide that this person requires someone with the opposite trait. The shadchan will then look for someone who exhibits that trait.
6. Most Benefit to the Shadchan Method
At times a shadchan will present to his or her client a prospect that brings the shadchan the most benefit. This benefit could either be a personal, family benefit, a social benefit or even a greater financial benefit. This is not necessarily a negative thing. Real estate agents, when meeting a prospective buyer, will only show listings that they themselves have listed at the onset. There is nothing wrong with this. Shadchanim who do this are no different.
7. Database/Sort-By Method
This method is one of the most effective. All possible candidates are perused by the shadchan limited only by what would be beyond the parameters that would fit the candidate in question. After this short list is determined the Shadchan will sort them by the preferences that the candidate voices. For example, if the person needs someone who is “warm and loving” the short list of candidates in the parameter guidelines is sorted by the Shadchan’s apperception of this quality within them.
The Shidduch crisis is indeed real. Young ladies suffer from something that can be termed “the Six to One Ratio.” The particular sociological rules we follow have created this problem, notwithstanding that the numbers of boys and girls are actually rather equal. From a mathematical perspective consider the following example:
A boy who has decided to date at the age of 24, for example, may date a very wide range of girls. He can date a girl who is 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, or 24. The available pool of eligible young ladies is much larger than that of young men. Men start dating later and it is not so acceptable for a young man to marry an older girl.
This crisis calls for us as individuals to do what we can to address it. It is suggested that even the dabblers among us attempt to adopt the #7 method along with whatever other method that we employ when thinking of Shidduchim. This means that, if we could, we should sit down and compile a list of all available people that we know of both genders so that we can best meet the needs of our fellow members of Klal Yisroel.
Doing such a thing might be considered a Hiddur Mitzvah in our performance of Chessed. The Mishna tells us that the world stands on Torah, Avodah (davening), and Gmilus Chasadim. Boruch Hashem our communities offers Torah classes. Our Shuls are brimming to capacity with minyanim. These thankfully are daily occurrences.
The third pillar upon which the world stands is Chessed. If we were to make such a database of the single people that we knew,of both genders, and if we were to spend ten to fifteen minutes per day working on this database to come up with matches, we would be doing a remarkable thing.
Finding Shidduchim for others is a fulfillment of the biblical commandment of VeAhavta Lerayacha Kamocha – loving our neighbor as ourselves. It is a means of coming ever closer to Hashem, our father in Heaven. It is also a remarkable Chessed – act of kindness.
By Rabbi Yair Hoffman
The author can be reached at [email protected].
