True. What I read this week is not funny but I wish that it was meant for a Purim chagiga. It’s the old adage of people waking up and smelling the roses. The people I refer to are the “rabbonim” in Lakewood who recently had a meeting to discuss the “tragedy” of the shidduch crisis. One particular rav was crying as he spoke about this awful dilemma. Girls, older and older, are not finding shidduchim. Lo and behold! They have come up with a solution. No, I did not read that all freezers in Lakewood should be defrosted. Nor did I hear that boys walking on the street are now allowed to wish “Good Shabbos” to a group of girls in a friendly manner. Nor did I hear that anyone, chas v’chalila, would invite a bochur to their home for a Shabbos meal if they were the parents of young shidduch-age daughters. After all, that would be reprehensible. After all, they might look at each other and even participate in conversation.
My fingers are burning as I type these words. Hashem please forgive me. “But it was Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal’s emotional plea that left the room in stunned silence. Breaking down in tears, he wept over the unimaginable tzaar of the thousands of young women who wait year after year, davening, hoping and longing for their bashert. His cries, raw and unfiltered, pierced the hearts of those present, serving as a stark reminder that this is not merely a matter of numbers or statistics—it is a human tragedy, playing out in homes and families across klal Yisroel.”
Apparently, across the U.S., gatherings are taking place reflecting support from gedolim and community leaders in following the suggestions of the rav. His suggestion, as I see it, advises that young women returning from seminary should not consider shidduchim for at least a year and that bochurim should begin their pursuit of finding their bashert earlier than they had in the past.
I do not wish in any way to isolate the cause of this problem on the rabbonim in Lakewood. I personally blame many rabbonim for encouraging the antics that are encouraged today that no one would have thought of in the past. Bring back Yeshiva University Torah Leadership Seminars! Encourage NCSY programs for both young men and women. I was recently at Lazy Bean when buses pulled up with hundreds of girls returning from the NCSY 4G Shabbaton. Does anyone really think that the success of these programs could not happen if they were with young men and women? How come it worked years ago? Allow young seminary and yeshiva students to work at places like Camp HASC instead of determining these places as out of bounds for those returning from yeshivas and seminaries in Eretz Yisroel. Note I did not say yeshivot! The awful boys returning from Shalavim, HaKotel, Keren B’Yavneh who return to HASC definitely have gone off the derech!
It’s Purim. Isn’t it the time for fun and laughter? How about a chagiga encouraging young men and women to socialize together after the reading of the Megillah? How about the rabbonim opening up their homes to both men and women at the same time to celebrate? Imagine the idea of a costume party including masks so that the only observations made would be based on conversation and laughter. Sounds like fun to me. (I know that my kids would tell me that I am old and my ideas are as well.) Obviously all that is going on is not only the fault of the yeshivish community and the rabbonim.
How many parents are busy checking out the ins and outs of boys before their beloved daughters even meet them? How many moms of boys want to know what shul the girl’s parents daven at, whom they are related to? I do not know if it is common anywhere else but I remember a woman in Montreal telling me that she always met the girls prior to her son dating them. She said quite unabashedly that she always checks out their legs!
OMG, I am so sick of all of it. Pictures!? Really? Weight: totally part of the discussion. The poor guy or girl who has acne and can’t seem to get rid of it. The older girl who realizes that what she refused when she was 20 is not something she would even consider negative at the age of 28. The young woman who says that she is not interested in someone going into chinuch or rabbonis only to find out at the age of 32 that her friends who were willing to choose this lifestyle seem really happy and are contributing so much to the community.
Every community is establishing their own shadchanim either through their shuls or local organizations. Too bad that the idea of people meeting naturally has been so negated. Of course to me one of the creme de la creme situations is the enormous number of singles living on the upper West or East Side. They eat meals together, talk to each other in shul, do much advocating on behalf of the hostages, etc. They really like each other but “only as friends.” Guess what? Who should be your best friend other than your mate? Unequivocally my husband was my best friend. I could share everything and anything with him. We never considered that being friends was a sign of not getting married. How absolutely ludicrous is that, and how many times have I heard it? Try having a friend and tell him that you love him. It might work.
I really wanted to write something funny—it’s the week to let go of our inhibitions, but the topic of singles not finding each other is actually extremely depressing. I’ll try to be more upbeat next week! Happy Purim.
