Most criminals, if you had to guess, commit crimes for the money. But apparently, there are some people out there doing so for other reasons. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what the reasons are. Some of these people aren’t even criminals—they’re just normal people getting carried away, and then arrested. And some of these people are doing things that make you say, “But why would someone commit that crime in the first place?”

Especially when it sounds like a lot of work.

Take the story last June of a man in Florida who was arrested for trying to steal someone’s porch. Police showed up at the house and found him taking the porch apart.

What does he want with a porch? Who’s walking by a house and goes, “Hey! This would look perfect outside my house!”

Though maybe this guy was onto something. We’ve heard of people stealing packages off a porch, but what if you stole the porch itself? Isn’t that a great idea?

“That way, the packages will still appear on the porch, but in a location that is more convenient to me!”

Or it could be he was hard of hearing, and he was supposed to steal a Porsche.

Or take the man from Georgia (the country) who was arrested in October for trying to smuggle 1,110 bees into Turkey (the country). On his body.

What was his plan for if they patted him down?

Though despite the headline, they weren’t just roaming around under his shirt. He was actually carrying them in 110 small wooden boxes tapes around his body, each one containing about 10 bees including one queen.

Wait, you could put a minyan of bees in a tiny wooden box? That would be a great idea for a bar mitzvah souvenir if you do it in Elul. You could always ask mechila on the thank-you cards.

He could have transported them the old-fashioned way, by kicking over a beehive and running toward the border, screaming like mad. The border patrol would have let him through. This is also how you smuggle lions.

Point is when airlines ask, “Did anyone give you anything suspicious to bring into the country?”—they are talking about boxes of bees.

Why is no one ever smuggling non-threatening animals in their clothing? Like chickens.

The closest thing I found was a story from back in November about TSA agents in Florida who found a gun in someone’s luggage that was being smuggled inside a raw chicken.

And sure, that is dangerous. Not for the chicken. It’s dangerous because of salmonella. You’re gonna have to wash the gun. You need to cook the chicken, though not with the gun in it, particularly if it’s loaded.

What was his plan? Just to fly with a raw chicken, and they’d ask, “Why do you have this raw chicken in your carry-on? What are you going to do with raw chicken on an airplane?” Did he also bring a disposable grill?

And speaking of crimes that any of us could do, take the December article titled, “76-Year-Old Man in Minnesota, Who Said He Was at War With Squirrels on His Property, Arrested After Missing His Target and Shooting Through His Neighbor’s Window.”

There’s a lot to unpack there. Was he arrested for shooting the squirrel, or for missing? Also, when he says “at war,” does that mean the squirrels were shooting back? Do the squirrels know they’re at war?

A lot of people are against people having guns, but I mean for self-defense I think it’s okay.

The call came after the neighbors discovered six bullet holes in the siding of their house and the window of their son’s bedroom. So this wasn’t just him missing once. This is just a bad idea. But they didn’t hear the gun; they discovered the holes. So clearly, he was doing this during the day, when everyone was out.

There is not much to do in Minnesota.

Mostly, the man, Michael James Powers, spends his time feeding the local birds. In fact, he told police that this was not the first time he’d shot squirrels that entered his bird feeder.

That’s what they’re doing? I have chickens, and every time I scatter food for them, the neighborhood squirrels show up, because all of a sudden, it’s my responsibility to feed them too. I was in the coop once, cleaning, and no chickens were in there, the door was open, and a squirrel came in there with me. He was as surprised as I was. Can I start shooting my neighbors?

Powers told police that he was trying to shoot a red squirrel on his bird feeder from his bedroom window. He didn’t want to go all the way outside and chase it away. Uch, what a pain. This is why you get a gun. It’s also great for turning off the bedroom light.

Additionally, Powers said he thought he hit the squirrel. Also, he only pulled the trigger two times on the day of the incident. So apparently, the other 4 holes came from some other day, or possibly the squirrels fighting back.

I don’t think the squirrels know it’s a war. Or where the bullets are coming from. Like the squirrels will say, “He keeps shooting us. Let’s go elsewhere for food.”

Best case scenario, he’s shooting holes in his bird feeder.

I bet the squirrels don’t even know it’s for birds. There’s no sign. How are they supposed to know it’s not a squirrel feeder?

You know, you can just buy a bird feeder that spins around and throws squirrels off of it. It’s probably cheaper than bullets. And the neighbors won’t complain, until squirrels start flying through their window.

According to the article, when he was taken into custody, his wife said, “Well, I told you.”

Wives. They don’t stop you; they just wait for you to make your own mistakes. Otherwise, how will you learn?

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].