Recently we find ourselves discussing frequently the many notions and ideas that have been readily accepted by the religious community that so many of us snicker at and joke about. It seems that many disagree with these newly acquired “traditions.” Yet everyone seems to fall into the hole and follow the crowd despite their own hesitations. Why is that?
A perfect example are the many “halachos” dealing with dating, engagements, etc. How many people do you know that think the idea of a resume to determine whether or not a future partner is suitable is a good idea? What does this important document actually say about the potential candidate? Practically nothing. However, how many of us fall into this trap? “Oh, she must send her resume first.”
We laughed when someone who had spent years spending Shabbosim in our home, who considered Mordechai his Rebbe and who knew everything about our family, insisted that the suggestion of his son going out with our granddaughter could only be done after he had received her resume. That boy’s name went into our emotional paper shredder. We also know of a case where the boy received an “outdated” version of the girls resume. He agreed to go out with her. Had he received her newest version mentioning that she had already graduated from college and was headed for a professional degree he said he would absolutely not have gone out with her because that would have infringed on his learning plans. Guess what, though? He liked her and suddenly decided that he might be able to change his plans.
We remember the day we received a telephone call from someone in Montreal asking us to contribute to the “Pearl Fund” so that a specific chasson could give the kallah pearls in the yichud room. He didn’t have the funds and it would have been so embarrassing had he not given them to her. What about the bracelet before the engagement ring? Which Rebbe gives that shiur in any Yeshiva? We still cannot understand how we were able to get married without all of these extra adornments. It is a miracle.
The wedding itself is a massive crowd of people. Everyone’s best 500 friends are present. Do the chasson and kallah know three quarters of the people who are present? Would the parents of the chasson and kallah notice if any of these masses do not attend? Oh, we forgot we have to invite everyone from the shul, from the office, from the health club etc. Why? So they can leave ten minutes after the chuppah and leave the majority of the social hall empty. We noticed frequently when we would drive in for a simcha—especially if the seating was separate, that several minutes after we sat down at our assigned tables there was no one else there. They left because of the traffic on the GWB, LIE, HHP—notice that we are real locals using the abbreviations like everyone else— was worrisome and people had to be at work the next morning. Why invite them and why do they agree to come?
So many whisper privately the resentment that they feel when a wedding is in Lakewood or on the Island etc because it is “a pain to get there.” How much money would be saved and how much more intimate a wedding would be if the people in attendance would only be the nearest and dearest to the families and the chasson and kallah? Anyone insulted can be considered as not too good a friend.
Keep posted because in our next article we will write about other areas of life where we feel it is time for everyone to put their feet down and say, “Dayenu! Enough!”
And we will offer suggestions about how to go about this.
About the Glicks – Rabbi Mordechai Glick enjoyed a long career in the rabbinate and academia – serving as the rabbi of a number of shuls in the Montreal area and teaching psychology full-time at Champlain College. Nina Glick led Yachad in Montreal for over 10 years and was closely involved in the Special Needs Community. The Glicks have three children in the NYC area daughters and sons-in law living in the Teaneck, Bergenfield area together with nine grandchildren. They have participated frequently in the OU Marriage Retreat
By Nina and Mordechai Glick
