One of the most frustrating things for singles is that there seems to be no way for them to promote their amazing qualities without age getting in the way. Their age might fall outside the range of a singles’ event. Their age is front and center on their shidduch resume whether they want it there or not. When using online dating, if enough singles are using specific searches, their profiles might even be invisible. Age is certainly important, but it is only one important factor to consider when dating. Are there any ways around these barriers?

There are. In fact, I’ll present three approaches. But first, let me explain how shidduch resumes and online dating have changed how singles think about age.

In shidduch dating, the challenge is that age is not a number but a numeral. I know that must sound weird. Don’t “number” and “numeral” mean the same thing? They do for most people, except for quirky mathematicians like myself.

You see, the word “number” refers to a quantity. If you want to talk about the number three, that would mean three apples in front of you, or three pencils, or three cats — well, you get the point. A “numeral,” on the other hand, is a symbol or a group of symbols that have nothing to do with the number itself; they just represent the number. For example, the numeral 3 has nothing to do with “three-ness,” since it does not have three distinct line segments or curves. It’s just the symbol we have all agreed refers to the quantity of three. In summary, numbers are the real and meaningful quantities, while numerals are a way we represent these quantities in writing.

So, aside from someone who uses tick marks for all his calculations, most people see and approach numbers via numerals and not directly as quantities. This affects how we think about numbers. In particular, somehow our brains are wired to give special significance to numerals ending in zero.

For example, in the sports world it was a big deal when someone finally ran a mile in under 4:00 minutes. Even though there have been much faster runners since then, none of them has received as much attention. This is because their running times were not a little less than a numeral ending in “00.” We also place importance on the numeral zero when we reference historical periods by the decades or centuries (like the 1940s or the 1800s). That is, we focus on the calendar years ending in zero. Even though fads, culture, philosophy, etc., do not change exactly at these points in time, these are the years that matter most in our understanding of the past. Looking back, we make sense of history by linking ideas to decades.

This fixation on the numeral 0, especially in dating resumes and online profiles, makes age an unnecessary barrier in shidduch dating. For example, singles often place a lot of significance on the ages 30 and 40. On the one hand, they are just one year apart from 29 and 39 respectively. However, our brains immediately process the numeral 30 as being much greater than 29, and 40 as being considerably greater than 39. This happens because both the ones digit for 30 and 40 is a zero, and the tens digit increases by one from both 29 and 39.

This insight about numerals gives an opening on how to help shidduchim. That is, age does not need to present a challenge in getting a match as long as singles can distance age from numerals. Here are suggestions I came up with.

1. If you plan a singles event, make the age range general, like “We welcome all Orthodox Jews in their 30s and 40s,” being sure to phrase it in terms of decade ranges instead of specific ages, such as “ages 32-44.” Let singles iron out those details themselves if they have fun together at the event.
2. If you want to suggest a match to a single, suggest the match over the phone or in person before the single looks at a shidduch resume. Once this single sees the resume, he or she will likely fixate on age more than anything else. Also, knowing a single’s desired age range can help a lot. Then you can say, “She/he is in your range” and buy some more time before the single asks the exact age or sees the resume.
3. The change I would most like to see is singles presenting age on their shidduch resumes without using numerals. One option would be a short riddle whose answer is the single’s age. Singles who are very devoted to Torah study could replace the numerals with a Hebrew word having an equivalent gematria. Singles in tech could provide a link to a Javascript puzzle forming their age. There’s no limit to the creativity singles can show when reporting their ages.

As a result, singles would slow down when reviewing a resume. This would help them consider the whole person behind the resume. Rather than the numerals for age holding singles back, age in this representation would be the means for drawing their soulmates close.

Ari Blinder is a math educator living in Highland Park. He researches the current challenges in shidduchim and writes frequently about interventions. He is currently designing a new dating platform based on his research. He can be reached at [email protected].