My readers out there who have lives might not know this, but January 15 is National Hat Day.
“Oh,” you’re saying. “I thought every day was National Hat Day.”
No one knows where National Hat Day came from, or what to do about it other than wear hats. We assume. Is Hat Day like Rosh Hashanah for hats?
Basically, it’s one of those weird national holidays that no one’s ever heard of, like:
National Nothing Day (Jan. 16), which was the topic of a previous article of mine. If you missed the article, don’t worry. It didn’t really say anything.
National Baby Day (May 2), which doesn’t really have a point. They don’t actually know it’s their day.
Forefather’s Day (Dec. 21), though I don’t think they know it’s their day either.
Take Your Pants for a Walk Day (July 27), though I don’t know what that means. I generally do that when I bring them to the cleaners.
Lumpy Rug Day (May 3), which doesn’t sound like something you’d be celebrating.
Moldy Cheese Day (Oct. 09), which is the Rosh Hashanah for cheese.
Generally, when we think of “Hat Day,” we picture our kindergarteners, who, something like once a week, either have to come to school wearing some kind of hat, or else they come home in some kind of hat made out of a piece of paper and two staples, and decorated for whatever big day is coming up—Rosh Hashanah, Chanukah, Take Your Pants for a Walk Day, etc. But my point is that maybe National Hat Day came from kindergarten.
But it still might be a good day to wear strange hats, because, why not? Luckily, there are new head coverings being invented every day.
For example, Sony recently filed a patent for something called a Smart Wig, which is a sheitel with a brain in it, as opposed to your current sheitel. It does tons of things that your boring regular hair can’t do, such as take pictures and answer the phone. It even vibrates or sends you small shocks when you get a text or an email. And does your current sheitel have a laser pointer? I didn’t think so.
All of the electronics are arranged under the hair, in Sony’s words, “to be hidden during use.” In other words, you can use it at the store, during business meetings, at weddings, etc., and no one will be able to tell, except that it will look like you’re wearing your wife’s sheitel.
Okay, so some of these wigs are for men, who are, for example, losing their boring regular hair. In the Jewish world, most of us just start wearing bigger and bigger yarmulkes.
The wig would also have a GPS, so it could tell you when you’re wandering in the wrong direction. This is great, because a GPS, as it currently stands, is a small electronic device that you play with while you drive. Because driving wasn’t complicated enough.
So apparently, the smart wig will have no screen to play with, but will give directions by sending a small buzz to the right or left side of your head, so you can turn and then quietly scratch the part that buzzed. Or maybe you’re going down the street, and the wig suddenly turns in the direction it wants you to go.
Another thing proposed in the patent is an ultrasound sensor so the wig can warn you when you’re about to bump into something. This would come in handy when I’m getting ready for bed at night, and I turn off all the lights downstairs and then try to make my way across the house, in that I can use it to detect furniture. Until now, I’ve been using my shin.
The patent claims that the head is the perfect place for smart technology, because people protect their heads more than anything else, and they’re less likely to leave it in a cab or drop it in the toilet.
The patent also says it can be made from “horse hair, human hair, wool, feathers, yak hair, buffalo hair or any kind of synthetic material.” This is handy to know in case you want to get one for your wife.
WIFE: “You bought me a sheitel made from feathers?”
HUSBAND: “Yeah! It was either this or wool!”
WIFE: “It looks like a pillow exploded.”
HUSBAND: “Maybe, but look! You can use it to take pictures!”
WIFE: “Good! That way I don’t have to be in them.”
This wig is still in development, though. The current prototype is made from yak hair, and is still attached to the actual yak. They can’t get the guy out from underneath it. But when it does come out, it would definitely make a good gift for holidays, such as Lumpy Rug Day. Or Forefather’s Day. If only our founding fathers could have had this technology in their wigs. They probably wouldn’t have gotten around to founding anything.
Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, The Jewish Press, and Aish.com, among others. He also has four books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].
By Mordechai Schmutter
